Hi there. Newbie here on the forum, and not particularly experienced in poly relationships. I've been in a triad sort of relationship once before (me and girlfriend expanding our relationship to include a mutual boyfriend- co-primary, I guess?). There's a lot of background there, but in the end it lasted about a month before a very messy breakup with the boyfriend.
I've known for a long time that it's impossible for me to only love one person at a time. But I concluded after that ordeal that I simply couldn't deal with the actual issues involved. It's not that I couldn't handle being jealous, it's that I couldn't handle jealousy over me.
I've since gotten out of the relationship with the girlfriend (six years, first serious relationship), after becoming aware of many issues, most revolving around possessiveness and extreme jealousy on her part. It's not the first time we've broken up, and every time I tend to jump straight into relationships with someone else I have feelings for. I have cut her out of my life and am very much done with her on the relationship front now, but I have ended up rushing into another relationship with someone, and it's gotten serious very quickly.
He and I are extremely compatible on several levels, and I know that I love him. We're also long-distance (very, very long-distance) at present. He is planning on moving here and getting a place with me, and I'm a little freaked to be honest, because it's a lot happening very fast. I don't think that I have issues with commitment, but I do know that I'm a very independent and introverted person and that he is much needier for attention than I am. It's strange, and I sort of feel like an asshole, because I'm used to being the one having to work for affection but also the one expected to maintain the continuing relationship, and now I am almost overwhelmed by how much he is doing to keep it going. But I'm sort of rambling, so the point is that we have our stumbling blocks as we get used to this, but I am happy and I want him.
The problem is that very shortly after I figured that out, I met someone else whom I want very badly as well.
Now, boyfriend is mono and kind of possessive. Not in unhealthy levels like my ex-girl, but he has been pretty clear that he doesn't like to share.
It started as a crush on a new friend of mine. Boyfriend and I had been friends for months before we got together; I met my crush a few weeks before he and I got together. She's poly, with a husband, and lives one state over from me. I took a liking to her immediately, and as soon as my attention came away from Shiny New Relationship with the boyfriend, I realized that thinking "I would totally go for her, she's cute" had gone to "Oh man I have a thing".
About the same time, she confessed to having a crush on a mutual friend, and while I was helping her through it, I ended up admitting to crushing on her. We both were very clear that I was not asking for anything, and that I was content with my boyfriend. I thought if I got out the exciting crush thing, it would go away and I could calm down.
Crush went away. Feelings did not.
She has since gotten into a tentative relationship status with the friend of ours/her new girlfriend. Ever since then, I've been getting increasingly jealous. Not that someone else is getting time with her; I'm not jealous of her husband at all. I'm jealous that someone else can
have time with her and explore a new relationship. I have not reiterated my feelings, though, because I don't know really what to do. I want my boyfriend; I want her. But I don't know if I can have both, and I'm afraid of risking one to not even have a chance with the other. I know boyfriend makes me happy. I know she has said she doesn't like to date younger people, and she is six years older than me. But I am not sure that the current state of things is going very well, either.
This is all complicated by the fact that the five of us (boyfriend, her, her husband, her new gf, and I) are all friends.
In summation, I'm very confused, and I want to know: Is it worth talking about this to either of them, or is it better to give it time?