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Old 05-16-2012, 08:39 PM
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Phy Phy is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Germany
Posts: 623

I am always in for some good discussions or food for thought

You are kind of right, even though I would name it differently. I don't think that he is overall more empathetic, I think it would fit to call him more altruistic than me. I am great at picking up undertones, passive-aggressive behavior and the like, I get those signals instantly and (as all of you may have noticed) I like to worry about everything as soon as I notice it. But I always assume that other people work like I do. That everyone feels the need to discuss matters the moment they arise, that no one would want to leave any tiny details unknown and that everyone just has the same impulse as I do to change things that disturb oneself. I get frustrated as soon as I notice that other people don't talk to me about things disturbing them.

And Sward isn't like that at all. He puts up with things even though they may bug him as long as there is a greater goal visible and achievable for him behind them. And as he is as altruistic as he normally tends to be, the greater goal is my happiness over his. And I don't like that. Not at all. Because I would never function that way. I always look out for my needs, not at the cost of others (I have to say 'mostly' here, because I can get selfish at times if I grade the circumstances as minor). And I hate the thought of him not doing the same for himself. Because as things are in our dynamic he is bound to go to rack and ruin, or to put it differently, to miss out from time to time. I know that I shouldn't expect others to have the same will and self-centeredness that I have, but I always end up in situations where I just throw up my arms in frustration and simply ask:”Why the heck didn't you speak up?! Tell me what you want, I can't read your mind!”

And you are right, he wouldn't feel happy being the way I am himself. He feels happy when I am happy and as it seems a lot more than being happy about something important to him and just to him alone. Of course I would likely have fun doing whatever is on his mind as well. I like to do things with him or Lin or any person I like. He hates to speak up for himself. And I hate that he hates to speak up for himself. A really old topic, but unchanged for years. I need him to be a bit more egoistic, to just tell me what he wants especially if it is something totally minor to him. I am really happy that he learned to speak up as soon as it is something major … at least by the next day or so as he tends to sleep over problems to find the right way to voice his concerns.

To sum it up: I normally get his moods, at least that I notice that there is something going on. But I often fail at discovering what it is exactly. And I need him to tell me, indeed, I am unable to guess what it is in 6 out of 10 times. But there are other times where you description fits totally. Sometimes I am as sensitive as a rock, especially those times, when I myself would never keep things to myself and confront the situation and wouldn't even guess that someone could be as strange as keep it all to himself.
Facts: 30, female, bi, v-type relationship with Sward (husband, straight, mono) and Lin (boyfriend, straight, mono), poly-fi and co-primary.

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