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Old 05-16-2012, 03:29 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,367

The general question was if one person has a single romantic focus why settle for a fraction ....(depending on the number of partners) in return?
Complicating that discussion the words "all" and "love" got used with the infinite shades of gray that come alone with them.

Everyone has a myriad of demands on their time and outside interest are normal and healthy. In fact being someones "all" could be considered unhealthy and tip toeing towards the edge of Co-dependency if not actually well into Co-dependency. So in some cases the outside relationship is looked at as a hobby.... just another outside interest with time demands. Then you got the tangle of quantifying love and how that fits into each relationship and the math problems with fractions or long division.

Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
To a poly person, this absolutely does not compute. For them, there isn't a pie to get divided up - love isn't a zero-sum game. Loving someone else doesn't have any bearing on how much you love someone.
Perhaps not a zero sum game but people here say all the time they love one partner more than another. There is a thread on this very page in which the poster has said that many times. In that case its known and a relationship between secondaries (for lack of a better word) no problem.

I'd argue it's not just time and money but overall how that "love " is expressed. The infinite ways in which we choose to express that love is how that pie gets divided. Those choices, in actions and in words could be how unstated hierarchies are built.

I have not been in the mono secondary spot ....officially. Just the declaration I made to my wife and it wasn't talked about in depth so I'm not sure settle would apply. But in the grand scheme of poly I'd probably say yes I did settle ...because I loved my wife and wanted her to be happy, and I desperately did not want my kids to suffer a divorce if this was something that would have no effect or a positive effect on our relationship....going with the hobby model. And that's how this was painted. I was willing to try like hundreds of others who's come through here. Unfortunately the reality was somewhat different for me. Do I regret my decision to try ...(settle) ...because of its complex nature Yes and No.

Last edited by dingedheart; 05-16-2012 at 11:43 PM.
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