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Old 05-15-2012, 09:56 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyCurious4 View Post
I was very hurt by this and am feeling very hurt. I had just told him I need him to tone it down and the following day he was arranging to see her. I was hurt also because I felt like he put me on the spot by asking her before he talked to me.
Is that a rule you have? That everything he wants to talk to with her about has to be run by you first? I'm sure you can see that sounds restrictive and unrealistic. Just because he mentioned it to her doesn't mean it's a commitment or puts you on the spot for anything. As far as toning it down, perhaps he saw that request as regarding frequency but didn't mean he couldn't talk to her at all. It sounds like he just wanted to solidify future plans, knowing that he would not be talking/texting with her as often. Yes, I think you are being a bit over-sensitive here. How much of his relationship with her do you think you should have a say about? Or did he mean that he wanted to get together with her during your hectic family week? Even so, that might not be that unreasonable if everything else is in place and taken care of, and there could be a window of time.

Also, remember that we choose to feel hurt. When we say someone hurts our feelings, we are actually saying, "I feel hurt by ___." A very definite choice to feel hurt (albeit an unconscious one). There are a myriad number of ways you could react to this situation. If I were you, I would take a step back whenever you realize you are feeling this way, and try to examine the mechanics of how you wound up feeling "hurt." If you can see the steps and rationalization you tell yourself that lead to that, you will learn a lot about your default ways of handling stress.

Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyCurious4 View Post
He said he can stop seeing her. That's not what I want but want to feel secure as well. Am I being overly sensitive? I knew there may be growing pains & we may make mistakes along the way. I'm trying not to feel threatened but I do.
I think you are doing great with your communications with him. All of the stuff you addressed with him seemed reasonable, and it seems that you two are talking and being as clear as you can. But perhaps there are just some areas which you each interpret differently. This is a good thing to find out, as now you have the opportunity to deepen your understanding of each other and improve communications even more. He may need to express more of his wants and needs more clearly.

As far as you feeling insecure, no matter what he does or how much he fulfills your requests, your insecurities are your responsibility, and it will be an inside job to overcome them yourself. Of course, you and he are working to keep building trust between you and communicate about your feelings, but you need to address your insecurities with your own inner work. And I think you need to make sure that there isn't some part of you that just wants things to be "even" or "fair" as if it were a race, and making boundaries for that purpose, because that will just kill all good feelings about living poly for both of you.

Remember that you and he are two unique individuals with different needs and your own pace at how to move forward, and they may not always match up. Just be careful that, every time you feel insecure, you don't start issuing rules and pronouncements about how he is supposed to conduct his other relationship in order to make you feel better. Beyond honoring a reasonable boundary to limit texts during family functions, a grown man shouldn't need to get permission first in order to plan ahead or converse with his gf about getting together. At least, that's how I see it.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 05-15-2012 at 10:18 PM.
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