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Old 05-15-2012, 08:10 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Upstate New York, USA
Posts: 1,467

Thanks for posting. I know how difficult it can be to get those crazy racing thoughts laid out in words like that - I think you did a great job.

Yes, of course talking to him is going to be the solution, like you identified. however, just sitting down and talking may not give you what you want...

I think the first thing you need to have clear in your mind is what you want - make a list for yourself of all the things that you need, want and would like out of the relationship and your life. try to create as many specific bullets as you can... don't just write "I want to be happy", for example - try to identify the things that make you happy, or, conversely, the things that take away from your happiness.

Sometimes, just this exercise can help you a lot, whether or not you show it to anyone or not.

What I get from your post is that you feel that there are conflicting priorities and desires in the relationship and are looking for a way to get those out there and sorted.

The next step is to get him (and maybe his partner) to do the same thing with the needs, wants and likes. This should be done not as a conversation, but as a "homework" exercise.

Then you need to sit down and compare notes.

I've written about this on my blog, and I often refer to it when folks talk about sorting things through in their relationships. It's at (last time I pasted this link I got it messed up, so hope this works).

This process, which admittedly takes some time and commitment by all parties, should give you a lot better idea of where everyone stands and how this relationship will meet your needs or not.

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
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