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Old 05-15-2012, 07:32 PM
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KitWalker KitWalker is offline
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Good points, Mr. FFR. Let me address some of them before proceeding.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MrFarFromRight View Post
There is NO poly-tically correct timetable. Never feel that you're "letting the side down" or you're "not poly enough". Do what you're comfortable with, push your limits, if you like, but not painfully.
My doubts had very little to do with that. On one hand, the problem solver in me wanted to sit down and have a direct conversation laying out just how I feel. On the other hand I was deathly afraid of making our girl uncomfortable in any way, not because I might miss out on some good times, but because I really care about her. In the end, slow was correct, and it was really just my impatience that was unsettling me.

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Which brings me to my next point:Respect other people's feelings. This woman might want to be "just" friends - with a bit of kissing thrown in. And that's fine, friendship's a wonderful thing. But you shouldn't pre-empt her desires. If she's been burned in the past, that doesn't mean that she'll be burned even more by a poly relationship. If you or your wife's feelings about her are "Hey, I'd like to get into her knickers!" or "What a turn-on it would be to watch while she's getting it on with my partner!", if - in short - you're interested in her as a plaything... then, please, do leave her alone. Because that WILL burn her.
Funny you should say that. This pretty much mirrors a conversation I had with my wife. She literally said "she is not a toy". We agreed on that. We care about her. Which is why we didn't push, prod, or have meetings which might make her feel obligated.

Also, let me throw this in. I was prepared for this to not happen. Because we were going by intuition rather than a bulleted list we couldn't be sure of what was in her mind. And I was ready to stay friends. Not because I don't care, but because I do. I am not a teenager anymore, I can manage feelings, although I'd rather not have to.

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But - as I never tire of saying - poly isn't [just] about sex: it's about Love. And Love includes respect, caring, nurturing.
You know, I've had dreams and fantasies over the couple of years it has taken for this to solidify. They weren't about inserting tab A into slot B. I wanted to have tea together. I wanted to do her dishes for her. Not because I like doing dishes, or because I am some sort of submissive with a housework fetish, but because it's something she hates doing and it would make her happy.


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OK, it could be real love and she could end up getting burned again anyway. That's a risk we ALL run. There are no guarantees.
That's also a pretty close mirror of the conversations we had. There are no guarantees, we will do what we can and take the rest as it comes.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MrFarFromRight View Post
There's this:It might be useful to you to do a tag search on "cowgirl". It's far from my intention to imply that this woman is being calculating, and I really do hope that it works out for all of you [in whichever way is best], but for people unused to poly, there is always the danger of remaining beliefs of "there is ONE perfect love out there for me", and some people go into poly relationships with an agenda (sometimes even unkown to themselves) of winning someone else' partner for "me alone". The programming most of us went through when young was strong. If you're going to go poly, ALL THREE of you must be open and clear from the start: this is NOT a fast or slow baton-change. If she's uncomfortable with that, best to leave it on a friendly basis.
I did the search. Valid concern. However, I doubt that is the case here. You wouldn't be able to tell how valid my opinion is from what I have written so far, but I am not publishing every minute detail. Maybe things will get clearer as I expound more.
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