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Old 05-15-2012, 04:26 PM
GreenMom GreenMom is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 103
Default Struggling with secondary status. Not really sure what I'm asking.

I had trouble coming up with a thread title, and I will attempt to make this post as concise as possible, which will be a challenge since I'm not entirely sure what I am asking for, and yet pretty sure I alreadd know the answer.

I'm fairly confident after some recent conversations with Marty, that I am a helluva lot more invested into "us" than he is. But, bearing in mind how new I am to poly, and how relatively new our relationship is, it is also possible I'm just misunderstanding. As I've said in my blog, I tend to look at things thru what I call my monogamy filter. I don't know any other way to have a romantic or sexual relationship, though as evidenced by my behavior the past six months, I'm trying to learn new ways.

Thus said... I've been told that he would never want, for example, another wife, another live in partner, something that committed, its "hard enough" having one. He has asked for space - rather than seeing each other every Sat night/Sunday we are now only seeing each other every other Sat night/Sunday. And the thing which hurt me the most, though I'm sure it wasn't intended as a barb - the most important aspect of what we have to him is the friendship, he knows the romantic/sexual won't (may not? don't recall exact wording) last forever, but he wants the friendship to endure. While he enjoys stereotypical date activities with me, and enjoys sex with me, it wouldn't bother him if our relationship changed into a "regular" friendship, with no romance or sex.

I've lamented on this board before how its near impossible for us to get time alone. Young children make it a near impossibility without feeling like we are imposing on our spouses (though they don't mind... heh). I'm unsure how much of this is normal when you are dating someone who already has a primary, and a child, and how much of it is simply a disparity of feelings/priority placed/etc. I'm unsure how to broach this topic with him without sounding like a whiny, needy, clingy teenager. But I do know that I'm increasingly unhappy with how things are.

It's not all bad all the time. It's mostly good most of the time. But I want more. I want more time together, I want to talk more often, I want our communication in between face time to be more meaningful. I'm accustomed to a partner - especially a partner of less than a year - being as outwardly excited and eager to talk/see each other as I am. His seeming ambivalence over things is driving me mad.

He has an axiety disorder which is currently unmedicated. I wonder how much of this is due to that, since he was rather different the first month we were together (when he was on meds). I deal with depression, which I am sure is exacerabating things - I Know I am overanalyzing small things and being way more co-dependent than is healthy.

How do I wrap my head around being a secondary? How do I become okay with the fact that he has a life seperate from me and wants to keep it that way? How do I change my thinking to focusing on the positives instead of dwelling on what I don't have?

And yes... I am fairly sure the big "answer" to all my confusion and hurt feelings is to talk to him about it. Heck my husband has been trying to get me to do so for weeks now. I just have no clue how to even begin to approach this topic. None.

I hope this was cohesive enough to generate a few replies. Anything I was unclear about, please feel free to ask.
"This, too, is sacred."
I am my own primary.
Me: F, 30's, bi.
Sadist: my fwb. M, 30's.
Pandora: Sadist's gf. F, 30's.
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