Thread: Hinge work
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Old 05-15-2012, 11:11 AM
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Mya Mya is online now
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I haven't really had to do much hinge work when me and JJ became poly and I started a relationship with rory. There are a few factors that have impacted this. First of all, JJ has been unbelievably cool about everything and full of compersion and hasn't expressed almost any negative feelings about my relationship with rory. Time management hasn't been an issue either because it hasn't made a big change to our relationship. Me and JJ have spent significant amounts of time separate during our relationship, for example we've lived in different places 3 times (4-5 months every time), so in a way it's nothing new that I'm spending about a week per month at rory's. The second thing is that most of the time it's me who is visiting rory so I don't spend much time with JJ and rory together. The third thing is that both JJ and rory need time alone more than me which makes it easier for me to spend time with either one because I know they also enjoy their time without me. Though this is more true for rory than JJ. Sometimes I do feel like JJ needs a bit more from me than I can give him.

Now suddenly I'm faced with hinge work after I started casually seeing Bob, who I consider my FWB. It's not even a serious relationship and we don't see each other very often, but still I've had more guilt issues during this short time (less than a month) than ever with rory (over a year). It's been weird and hard for me. And I don't even know where it's coming from. JJ doesn't seem as full of compersion as before even though he's not being angry/upset either. He's just neutral, and maybe a bit surprised about the new developments. This is also a new situation to rory (a partner having a new interest) and she's been feeling a bit weird too. Not bad, just weird. I feel like nobody is purely happy (the same way they would be if I got for example a new job) for me that I've got this new situation in my life that brings me joy. That is a lot to ask and I know it's not very realistic. I know I'm just too spoiled because the beginning of my first poly relationship was so easy for me. And this one isn't too bad either, but still I'm feeling guilty. I'm also feeling very very greedy. I already had two, did I really need a third one??

I'm glad I don't have to worry too much about energy management because I am a really energetic person and in that sense I think I could handle three people well. Time and guilt are much bigger factors.

Taking care of my own needs. This one I'm really trying to work on now. I'm trying to put myself first in a healthy way, but balancing that with commitments and being considerate to others is not always easy. How much am I willing to give up to make others happy? How much weight should I put on the fact that I'm committed to these two people and how much should that affect my future plans? When it comes to my living situation, I have an answer. Soon I'm going to move to a city that makes me happy. JJ is probably going to move there with me a few months later. Rory and Alec are going to move there in two years. But if for some reason neither JJ or rory moves to the city where I want to live, then there's nothing I'm going to do about it. I can do LDRs, I know that. But I'm not willing to live in a place I don't want to just because I'm committed to people. I also have to take care of my own needs and this one is important for me. There are many things that are negotiable but this isn't one of them. At least not at the moment. If I later feel like I could live somewhere else, then I can consider doing that for a partner / partners. But we'll see how all this unfolds. I really hope all four of us end up in the same city eventually.
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Me: bi female in my 30's
Live-in partners: Hank and rory
Partner: Yvonne
Exes that I might talk about: Zooey, Ray, Sol, Evan, JJ

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Last edited by Mya; 05-15-2012 at 11:24 AM.
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