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Old 05-15-2012, 09:25 AM
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MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
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Location: Smack in the middle of The Spanish Revolution!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KitWalker View Post
Now, I've been mostly lurking around here. I did have some questions, mainly whether we could be going too slow.
This has - according to your next sentence - radically changed, but I'm going to comment on it anyway... partly for the benefit of other readers, who might be doubting about their own situation. There is NO poly-tically correct timetable. Never feel that you're "letting the side down" or you're "not poly enough". Do what you're comfortable with, push your limits, if you like, but not painfully. Which brings me to my next point:
Quote:
Originally Posted by KitWalker View Post
No, she was worried about our girl. Our girl has had some horrendously bad relationships in the past. She is not known to be poly. So, my wife was worried that she may be looking for a "regular partner" and we might be keeping her from that.
Respect other people's feelings. This woman might want to be "just" friends - with a bit of kissing thrown in. And that's fine, friendship's a wonderful thing. But you shouldn't pre-empt her desires. If she's been burned in the past, that doesn't mean that she'll be burned even more by a poly relationship. If you or your wife's feelings about her are "Hey, I'd like to get into her knickers!" or "What a turn-on it would be to watch while she's getting it on with my partner!", if - in short - you're interested in her as a plaything... then, please, do leave her alone. Because that WILL burn her.

But - as I never tire of saying - poly isn't [just] about sex: it's about Love. And Love includes respect, caring, nurturing. OK, it could be real love and she could end up getting burned again anyway. That's a risk we ALL run. There are no guarantees. But freezing out in the cold can be as damaging as getting too close to the fire. And, as you say,
Quote:
Originally Posted by KitWalker View Post
she is a big girl and we are not insisting on anything.
Having said all that, I'm still not ready to shut up. There's this:
Quote:
Originally Posted by KitWalker View Post
my wife was worried that she may be looking for a "regular partner" and we might be keeping her from that.
It might be useful to you to do a tag search on "cowgirl". It's far from my intention to imply that this woman is being calculating, and I really do hope that it works out for all of you [in whichever way is best], but for people unused to poly, there is always the danger of remaining beliefs of "there is ONE perfect love out there for me", and some people go into poly relationships with an agenda (sometimes even unkown to themselves) of winning someone else' partner for "me alone". The programming most of us went through when young was strong. If you're going to go poly, ALL THREE of you must be open and clear from the start: this is NOT a fast or slow baton-change. If she's uncomfortable with that, best to leave it on a friendly basis.
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The person who says something is impossible should not interrupt the person who is doing it.
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And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
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I'd rather have a broken heart / Than have a heart of stone.
- from "Boundless Love (A Polyamory Song)" by Jimmy Hollis i Dickson
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