Thread: Hinge work
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Old 05-15-2012, 08:44 AM
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rory rory is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Europe
Posts: 497

Still more about guilt. There's a lot of judgement to polyamory in the surrounding monogamous culture. If you have multiple partners you will get your share, particularly if your partners don't have other partners. And even if you have great people close to you and face no judgemental comments, this stuff is internalised and can still affect you in that you feel guilty.

I have felt guilty for "being the one who wants this or benefits more" of me and Alec. With Mya I haven't had this feeling because she also has another partner.

For me it is helpful to have something to counter the guilt with. It helps to know that me and Alec both chose to open up our relationship. It was my idea, and I did ask for it, but he also said yes. He had a choice and he chose poly. So he also wants this.

And I do feel the guilt from being the one "who benefits more" doesn't even fit in my world view, it is just a view that is not uncommon among folks not in open relationships. I don't subscribe to the assumption that there is some kind of competition between me and my partners, and whomever gets more partners/sex/whatever wins. I care about my partners satisfaction, and not only of mine. And I choose partners who care about my satisfaction and not only of their own. Thus, it is not a question of who benefits more, but more happiness bring increased overall satisfaction.
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