I have read this post over and over again and can't decide how, or if, I should comment. (My bf and his SO read these threads and I've gotten in a little hot water over some of my posts.
) But here I go.........
I'm a Mono Secondary. My bf and I have been together for almost 2 years. He lives with his SO. We are deeply in love but it's not without complications.
I'm thinking about your words, "settling", "future". In my world, those things change almost weekly. What I found is just when you think you have it all figured out, something happens and you are back to the drawing board. It's a very dynamic type of relationship. This can make the relationship challenging, and also quite rewarding as it keeps you focused on the ultimate goal -loving this person you are with.
I don't consider it to be settling. Settling, to me, is something you are forced to do when you don't have another option. I CHOOSE to be here. I could leave if I wanted. I could get another bf if I chose to do so. But I'm choosing to be with him. I'm choosing to make this work because the love we discovered is worth it.
I'm a very independant woman. I'm strong, confident, self-sufficient, financially secure, driven; attributes he's very drawn to. It's because of those attributes that I can handle this relationship. I can evolve in my career, devote quality time to my children (who are growing up way too fast!), I have time for personal and social growth, time for health and fitness. I have time to be the best possible me. And then he complements that with the love and passion we share. Depending on the viewpoint, it is a complete life. I won't lie though, at times I do get lonely for him, wish for more time. Communication is key so it helps to hear those same sentiments from him.
Regarding Future. It doesn't matter what kind of relationship you are in, traditional or otherwise, nothing's for certain. I married my childhood sweetheart only to divorce him almost 20 years after we met. I've been working hard to make this relationship work without expecting anything more than our one Date Night a week and recently, for him to try to make time another evening or day during the week in between dates. It's been a challenge based on scheduling, but he tries. That's all that I can ask.
We each have our insecurities about where the 'future' will take us. His
constant worry and fear is that one day, despite my protests, I will tire of "settling" and move on to find another full-time love that can meet all my needs. He gets sad, sullen, withdrawn, thinking of how deeply that is going to hurt him if it happens. His SO
worries that I will try to supplant her (which I would never dream of doing) and that causes stress for him. I
worry that both his and her insecurities will inspire decisions that will ultimately end up with me pushed out of this relationship. And not only does that scare the hell out of me, but annoys me tremendously. I am supposedly the one 'settling and sacrificing a real relationship' and I get pushed out?!
Hierarchy. I recently read on another poly friendly forum that senority should not apply to any human relationship.
If a poly relationship is to last long term, it is up to the mutual love to ensure that both partners needs are being met fairly and that neither one is slighted. My bf points out to me often that the depth of feelings he has for me is not in correlation to the amount of time we spend together. Just because our time is limited, the love is not. If anything, it makes it stronger, counting down the days until we see each other again. I HATE
the term Secondary (it does have a negative connotation to me) but I recognize it as simply as the order of business. They share a home, finances. I don't participate in that. Yet each relationship has as much merit and value as the other. Each of us contributes something special.
And regarding my Veto fears, quoting the author of the post " When a spouse tries pulling the 'I was here first/I'm primary' card, they are effectively demanding that their partner choose between the people they love. One should never ask another person to make such a choice if they are not prepared for their partner to choose to walk away. Sooner or later that is exactly what will happen." I think of it as I would my children. If any man asked me to choose between him and them, he's GONE. Buh Bye! I have stated in previous posts, I would never make such a demand. Its unfair and selfish, qualities I do not possess. We find a way to meet everyone's needs ot the best of our ability because each is important. I do talk to my bf about the potential that it could be asked of him. He denies that it would, believing his SO when she says she understands, accepts and respects our relationship. I don't know that for certain, so all I can do is trust him and his love and commitment to me as he's emphasized over and over again. I want each of us to be happy, secure, content.
With that reassurance and security and him trying to meet my requests for time, communication, I can't see why this beautiful bond would have to end. If anything, it makes us that much stronger.