The Day after the First Encounter
I wake up then next day. I go to work before the boys arise. I am in turmoil.
I am physically sensitized by the events of the night before, every nerve on full alert. Each bump in the road a reminder of how Dude's touch affects me. A montage of sensations and images parades through my mind. Delicious agony laden with guilt.
I come home. Dude is gone. I go to MrS. “I need to talk to you...something happened.” His mind jumps to the obvious – no, not that, but... I tell him that I didn't know when I decided to “pest” Dude that the tables would be turned...the perennial “teaser” had met her match – my control was lost, I became the “teasee” (...but not really powerless, I whimper “can't” and THAT is iron-clad – no further...).
(I turned this over and over in my mind in the subsequent days. Alpha meets Alpha – is there an unacknowledged D/s dynamic to my psyche? All day long I am “boss” - people do what I say, I make decisions that affect people's lives, decisions that matter... if I am ever wrong the results could be devastating. I know that in my private life I avoid making decisions about unimportant things...I have made enough decisions today, someone else has to pick the restaurant/movie/activity. Do I feel the need to be forced to yield to another on occasion?)
“Why are you telling me this?” he asks, “Are you trying to hurt me?” No! I tell him that, although nothing against “the rules” had occurred, it “felt like” cheating. He gets upset, he gets angry. He tells me that the idea of me with another guy makes him crazy. He tells me the “the rules” (MMMNM, see above posts) are my rules for him. His rules are “No boys.” and “Don't be a jackass.”
I cry. I apologize. I tell him nothing further that “Grade B flirting” in the future. I am sorry. I mean it.
PS. I've been sharing my angst at writing these posts with MrS as I sit here typing. He touches me and tells me that he has forgiven me long ago, and there is no need to cry on him later tonight for events that are over. He KNOWS that I never acted out of an intent to hurt him. He loves me.
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (23+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (4+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi married female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.
My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 05-15-2012 at 12:38 AM.
Reason: add ellipses, remove quotes