thoughts on the need for attention
It's been awhile since I posted. A lot has happened, so much in fact, that it felt too overwhelming to write about. Today is the first day in weeks that I'm at home by myself, empty rooms, hours of empty time, and the space in my mind to think a little deeper than 'what shall i do? who shall i meet? how will it go?'
I'm thinking about my needs and addictions. I think, when I look closely at myself, I see an addiction for attention. How else am I going to explain the fact that I'm watching my inbox like a hawk since last night?
What am I doing? I have a husband who loves me. I have 2 lovers who love me, each in their own way, and who are committed to me, each in their own way. There's really no lack of anything in my life. I have love, I have attention, I have guys telling me I'm beautiful, I have sex.
I've had a profile on OKC for awhile now. I read about it here, and while I'm not looking (ha) I thought it could be an interesting way to meet other poly people, male or female. But, I live in a tiny European country and 'poly' is not really something a lot of OKC members from around here have in their profile. I got contacted by a number of 'hey U r cute wanna go on a date' type of guys. And a couple of guys that told me they are sooooo interested in the poly thing, not they've never experienced anything like that but boy does it sound exciting! One genuinely poly guy and his poly girlfriend - we met, was nice, and we'll meet again, as friends.
And then yesterday this guy contacts me.. he's cute, funny, smart. The emails start flowing. He tell me his story. I tell him a bit about mine. I tell him I have a husband and 2 lovers and yes that means I'm very busy and also, really, not looking.
He's looking. He's single after just coming out of a poly relationship.
We flirt a little, just a little. He wants to meet. I take care not to flirt too much because I'm not looking, you know? And yet now I'm watching my inbox.
Do I need the attention that much? Is it just the fantasy part that I can't do without? I know my lovers, I know who they are and I have a pretty good image of where our relationships are headed. With this guy, new guy, who is for now nothing more than a picture on a computerscreen and a couple of witty and intelligent emails, anything is possible.
Maybe that's what I am addicted to? And is it really that bad ... as long as I'm open about it to everyone involved? But how can I live my life forever adding new men to the mix because I need the excitement? I don't really like the person (me) who I'm talking about here.
early forties, straight.