Sitting in Carob's living room. 5.45am and I haven't really been able to sleep yet, so was time to get out of bed - especially because it was getting kinda tight in there as C and Ella spread out a bit
More on this later.
Yeah, so much has happened since last time I posted.
C's been hating work and really needs a change. Friends of his living in the same city Sugar & I have moved to suggested he take up work there. Would be good for him and, as a very pleasant side effect, mean we don't have to do long-distance, but...
Carob has just hooked up with this girl Ella and dynamics between them are such that it would be quite tough and possibly not viable to try long-distance for their relationship at this stage. So, he's pretty much having to weigh up options, i.e. 'do I stay or do I go'
When I describe the facts of the matter like that, it seems like a simple thing, but it's been slightly fucking with me a bit cos... y'know... missing. And hoping he gets what he needs. And not wanting to be too emotionally invested in what he picks in advance of him making up his mind. I mean, regardless of whether he moves to where I am or stays in our home town, we'll make it work.
That said, I'd obviously love if he was nearer. But if I dream dreams of him moving over, I reckon that just sets me up to feel almost personally rejected if he chooses to stay. I've seen little windows of this. So I've pushed pause in that little corner of my hope snowglobe - pending his decision, which should be soon.
That could come across as a bit unhealthy, like head-in-sand or something, but yeah. Given the dynamic - he's in a new relationship with someone in our home town, and LDR with me - I'd like to give myself the best chance of seeing things from a good perspective rather than warped by jealousy/insecurity/longing/disappointment/whatever. Things are a smidgen messy geographically right now, but... we can do this.
Meanwhile, Sugar had applied for a job back in our home town that would start once his current contract finishes. Unfortunately, he didn't get the job which was pretty shit for him personally and also for the neatness of our future plans. His chosen vocation is notoriously thin on the ground with permanent jobs, so for the foreseeable future (once this job ends early next year) he's either (a) giving up his dream occupation, and trying to cope with that (in the past, he's felt quite down when he hasn't been working in that field, and if you stay out too long it jeopardises your chances of returning to the profession) or (b) accepting short term assignments, possibly anywhere around the world...
He doesn't really want to choose (b) but not sure if (a) will make him happy. Guess we'll find out. Again, I'm trying to stay fairly detached from that. I'm keeping myself busy and cultivating a stable headspace, and also keeping open-minded as to where I live and work in the next few years. Our current plan is moving back to our home city once this job runs out, but really - who knows?
My only confidence is we can make it work, and we'll do our best to communicate through to the best solutions rather than slip into lowest common denominator by default. Have had "We can work it out" looping through my head fairly frequently of late
OK OK so enough of that already. I had fucking amazing sex last night. At the moment I'm back to home city for a visit. Sugar and I had to go to a friend's wedding in a nearby city so we thought we'd take the opportunity to drop by. S had to return to work but I'm staying another week. Is the first time I've been back since Carob and Ella hooked up, so... yeah. Before Sugar went back, we had a dinner the four of us. Was a tad off-kilter e.g. among other things: C had just told Ella the previous day that he was thinking of moving away, and she was understandably upset and I imagine feeling quite insecure about things... as for me, I hadn't yet caught up with Carob one-on-one since I'd been back, before the dinner. The order of things had got a bit topsy-turvy, but it needed to be that way to make time for everyone to meet up before S scooted off.
Still with me?
Anyway, now Sugar is back and I'm here for another week by myself. Ella said she'd like to catch up with me once or twice before I go, so we took the chance to hang out a bit yesterday.
She made me coffee and we were outside sitting on the grass at her place talking. First time we'd talked just the two of us since she and Carob got together. She wrote me a letter (handwritten letter, woo! Lady after my own tastes) which kinda expressed a bit of how she was feeling, but of course it's far superior to talk in person. We covered a bit of ground, then at one point she said "do you want to make out?"
Now Carob had teasingly mentioned things like threesomes, and dripped fantasies into my ear about how it would be to make out with Ella. I ran with them as fantasies sometimes, but really thought that it was presumptuous to assume that would be the case - especially since, as far as I knew, C hadn't brought this up with Ella.
Anyway, I actually had to think about whether I wanted to kiss her or not. I mean, if not for complicating factors, I'd be carefree and go with the vibe and see where things go. But I felt like I shouldn't be that impulsive, given their new relationship and not wanting to affect the healthy trajectory of that, esp with C still not sure of what he wants to do with moving or not. So I thought for a moment about potential pitfalls, if I felt like this was a right step... (this is very unusual for me, maybe I have finally grown up! Haha)
Anyway all signs pointed to: YES.
We kissed. We talked some more. We cuddled. It got darker. We made out some more. I shared passionately my limited knowledge of the visible constellations. She seemed to like that. We got cold, and went to bed. She is really beautiful and said that I was 'smokin hot', which floored me in the best way. At some point we got hungry as we both hadn't eaten since breakfast.
She suggested we catch up with Carob for food. I didn't mind either way - meeting up with him or not. The initial plan (before, ah, god, the sweet nakedness and taste of her skin) was for me to catch up with Ella and then swing round to C's and stay there the night. Now it seemed like we were gonna try this out, how nice is a triangle in bed together?
Turns out - VERY VERY VERY VERY nice. Holy fuck we had fun. I've had a few experiences of group sex but not many. This was a first for me - negotiating the emotions of three people in I suppose a V-shaped relationship bringing bodies together... I was concerned that everyone would feel included and safe and loved. From my perspective, that definitely happened. Lots of touching, group cuddles, I felt held and reassured even when I had the briefest press of skin-on-skin.
We dabbled with a bit of psychological play (apparently she's been discovering her submissiveness since she met Carob) and general roleplaying and a toyed a bit with the pain/pleasure tightrope. Not too much, just a taste. It was good.
We cuddled to sleep the three of us. Is a squeeze in the bed but we made an admirable effort to be sure. Unfortunately for me, though, I was too hyped up to be able to sleep. Not sure when we eventually turned in, but I gave sleeping a good go, at least 3 hours. It was cosy and I didn't want to hop out of bed as I usually do when I can't get to sleep. Also I didn't want them to wake up and wonder where I was, and worry I didn't feel like I had enough room, or I wasn't feeling comfortable for whatever reason.
Anyway, we're definitely going to have to step gently over the next wee while getting used to things. I want to leave enough room for Carob to figure what he wants. I want to let C and Ella's relationship between themselves stand up on its own legs. I'm open to things developing more as a threesome (or maybe foursome, I guess that's the inevitable question, though obviously not the foregone conclusion!) but it's early for their relationship and I'd like them to enjoy and navigate things a bit more just the two of them. If Carob decides to stay, they'll get plenty of space for that by default. So I can see why staying would be good for their relationship. If C can find better work here and sort himself out so he doesn't feel stuck in a rut here (like he does at the moment) it could be the neatest solution. But yeah, guess I'll see what he chooses.
Meanwhile, I'm still feeling really high from the spectacular sexing. My god, the intensity. I really really liked it. I'm keen to find out what the other two's verdicts are. They mumbled positively as they fell asleep but I'd like to look them in the eye over breakfast
We're hopefully going to the local cafe at which the staff who know us seem to have assumed that Carob is cheating on me since I've been away. Hehe. Will be fun.
Okay, managed to kill an hour and a half writing this and other e-mails. 7am... wonder if I can persuade C + E to wake up. Maybe if I took coffee to bed...