Wow....so much has happened now. Where to start....?
Two nights ago I pretty much told Y a decent summary of everything I told you guys. I initially was trying to separate because I was going bonkers and had convinced myself that Y probably would not let me be with E. My close-mindedness to bringing up the topic is partly my fault, but I have been emotionally absolutely sapped and I made a decision for the sake of feeling like I was finally doing something for myself.
A few days ago I told E I had feelings for him. I couldn't contain it anymore. He told me that while he sometimes wished things were different and that he and I could be together, he loved his friendship with both Y and myself and he sincerely wanted Y and I to work out. We talked for hours, because he was trying to reassure me that he cared about me no matter what and I was very upset. I briefly mentioned to him that I wish I could have both of them. He told me he really was very attracted to me but his own morals were very important to him and he did not want to start anything. He wasn't sure how he felt about the polyamory option, though it seemed like something in him wished Y could let me be with him too. I start losing sleep like crazy and feeling unable to eat much.
At this point, Y can see something is up with me because I'm distant and emotionally a wreck. I finally opened up to him then about everything. First how emotionally starved I've been, then when it was clear in my mind that him simply working on our marriage is not enough to make me happy, I told him that I want to be able to share my body with others. He figured out pretty quickly I wanted to be with E, and I finally admitted it.
First off, Y feels he let me down. He told me how I've been such a good wife, and he now realizes he really dropped the ball and will do everything he can to make it up to me.
Second, he is open to letting me be with E, because Y knows I've always been a bit more on the open-minded side sensually and he wants me to be happy. We talk a long time about how this may work. Y feels scared about things, like what if E moves away and I chose to be with E and not Y, what happens if I get pregnant with E's kid, etc. I'm sure you guys can imagine the variety of things we discussed. We end up broaching the subject to E yesterday, and he seems open to it too. We had a very honest conversation, which is great. So everything should be a super awesome happy ending, right?
Well, we are definitely encountering a great deal of awkwardness for all three parties. Which I guess is to be expected. I want this to work so badly I'm freaking out a little bit about one of them wanting to back out.
Y warned me up front that he feels that he wants to be very restrictive on this arrangement and feels a bit possessive. E has told me he just feels "weird" with this, even though he definitely is excited about the prospects of being with me. While we agreed not to have me act physically with E until we get some boundaries set, E hovered around me quite a bit yesterday which made Y very uncomfortable. I have been trying desperately to show Y I love him and that I'm very happy for this new step in our lives, but last night he seemed to already be showing doubts about how this will work in the long run. At times we seemed natural about it, the three of us, but there were a lot of awkward moments too. I feel very self-conscious about how we should act because I don't want to upset either one of them. E seems to be pretty okay with me still hugging and kissing Y because that's been the norm, but Y is still feeling very threatened. Y even said that if he was home, he'd rather I choose to have sex with him instead of E. I tried to explain that I should be able to fulfill both their needs and that we should be able to compromise on that, because let's face it, Y is home while E is five days of the week. Which gives me a little window for time with E. Logically Y seems to understand this could be very unfair to E somehow, but his emotions seem to be hard for him in this.
More than anything I think boundaries desperately need to be established, but it's freaking me out that Y and/or E may back out before we get the chance to really give this a good shot. Do you guys have relevant experience on how to get past these first few issues? Should I pester Y (and maybe E?) into come onto this forum and this topic and getting your guys' advice? I feel like I really want Y to have some more information about the benefits of polyamory and see other couples who are making it work in their lives. I keep telling him I want this to work so badly....which I do. If both Y and E could grow into this position, I think I'd be the happiest woman alive.