is this typical in poly relationships?
Advice needed please....I may be overreacting? TIA
So Iím new to this and Iím not really sure if this is normal or acceptable. My bf and his wife have been poly for a lot longer, I expected them to understand more and be used to the lifestyle but it seems that things are falling apart between his wife and I because she has doubts. I donít know what Iím doing wrong to make her so unhappy, Iím trying really hard to do all this stuff just so she will like me and be happy but nothing seems to be working even when I do just what Iím asked. Problem is sheís very outgoing and talkative while Iím shy and quiet around people Iím not very close too especially when itís my boyfriendís wife who I feel totally intimidated by because sheís this cute little thing and I have all this pressure about making sure she likes me.
Sorry this is pretty long.
From the beginning there was a little trouble, she thought I didnít like her because
I was quiet the first time we met. Before the bf and I were officially in a relationship we had been dating and she claimed we were spending too much time together and since her and I werenít great friends yet and hubby had lied about something not regarding me she didnít like us being together so she made him stop seeing me, while she was allowed to keep her girlfriend. A few weeks later she messaged me and asked me to come around again because he was unhappy and she wanted him to be happy. All she asked is we got to know each other a little more and I understood because heís bringing me into their home and agreed.
Fast forward to a week or so ago, we are part of another poly site and thereís a thread about posting random things of your relationship/s. I was browsing and find a post she made that day saying she wasnít sure she liked me anymore because I seemed uncaring, too busy and didnít pay enough attention to her husband (my bf). So now Iím confused when I pay attention to him itís too much for her, I laid off a little bit and she thinks Iím being cold and not liking him enough. Confusing as hell
Last week, my bf asks me to make sure I comment on her posts/whatever online so she doesnít feel left out because she thinks he and I talk too much. He thinks she is jealous because sheís been looking for a bf and hasnít had any luck. I asked him well what is she jealous about she lives with him, this amazing guy I only get to see maybe once a week for a couple hours. He said he knew it was a lot to ask but just to try and pay more attention to her and asked me to ask her to see a movie with her. Ok I agree, I want to be able to keep seeing my bf so I better keep the wife happy right?
Now Day after the movie (last Thursday) he and I are talking about how both (wife and mine) our birthdays are this week. Iím bummed about mine so Iím not celebrating but she is excited about hers so there a whole day of events planned. She sent out invites online and I hadnít responded because I wasnít sure if I was going to be able to go since itís my cousinís graduations. Anyway he asked me to respond and make a big deal about it so her feelings donít get hurt, again I say ok and do it.
Yesterday he asks me to spend the night since today is my birthday and I guess we are going to get some alone time. A few hours later he texts me that I canít come after all so again another argument between them and I get kicked to the curb. Apparently he asked her what she wanted for her birthday, she says nothing because theyíre having this whole day planned so he says that he wants to give her something since he will be giving me something and he didnít want her to be hurt if she didnít have an actual gift. Now I donít think thereís anything wrong with that, maybe Iím stupid but she got upset and went to vent on that site about how inconsiderate that was and how he is the one causing problems .
Iím getting tired of this, like I said I feel like Iím trying hard to do all these things to make her happy but sheís still not. I donít feel like itís my place to do so, Iím not dating her; Iím her husbandís girlfriend. Maybe Iím wrong? Am I being the stupid young chick new to poly who doesnít understand? Iíve considered just telling him I donít want to deal with his wifeís moods anymore and that part of our relationship just isnít working. But I donít want to lose him, I care about him, I enjoy our time together, and usually his wife and I seem to get along. I would really like continuing on being his girlfriend but all this just puts that little doubt in the back of my mind that I canít keep jumping through hoops for her.
March 26, 2009