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Old 05-12-2012, 02:09 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 832

Originally Posted by DarayTala View Post

Personally though, I wouldn't want to be a part of that, even if it does result in a happy ending. I'm sure for everyone who helped somebody cheat and it ended well, there are a whole lot more who played a part in ruining a relationship. Plus, if I'm going to care for someone and get involved with them in any way (sexually, romantically, etc), I want to know they are an honest person. If I got close to them by them cheating on another partner, I don't think I would be able to trust that they would not do the same to me, and thats a risk to my emotional health and sexual safety that I just don't want to take.

I've done a lot of reading on this forum, including large parts of the thread on polyamory's image problem, and this attitude and the attitude of my friend (ie, being completely above board, respecting my marriage and monogamy, etc) are the things that give me respect.

As someone who has been through infidelity, through all the lies and mind games, as someone who still reads almost daily at the infidelity forum and sees firsthand the anguish and pain of betrayed spouses living in confusion, agitation, mistrust, betrayed spouses ending up in deep depressions and turning to EMDR therapy (which is used for post traumatic distress, just to give an idea of how awful the mind games of infidelity are)...because they don't know what's going on with their marriage, because they're trying to trust someone they believed was trustworthy; the feeling of betrayal, loss, disrespect, loss of self-worth, the realization that you are the disrespected, discounted, totally unvalued third wheel in your own marriage is devastating.

When children are involved, which more often than not there are, they go through the fights, the depressions, a parent mysteriously absent, and suffer right along with the betrayed spouse.

Many of these marriage do NOT end up better, but end up with the lives of the betrayed spouse and the children in shambles, financial devastation, having to upend their entire way of life, often enough having to relocate and leave friends and schools and activities, children having to adjust in quick order to a large number of changes and losses.

That some people come through the fire and wrest good from that horrible time and emotional trauma does not make it okay to put them through it in the first place.

And it is pointed out on the infidelity board over and over, exactly what you said: if they'll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you. Over and over, members eventually report that their cheating spouse and the new person are all of a sudden having a falling out over lack of trust of them cheating.
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