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Old 05-12-2012, 01:27 AM
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Emm Emm is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by yakchef View Post
I've expressed a few times that if she is really chafing at the "advance notice" rule, as she seems to be, we can ditch it and I can learn to deal. But she wants to keep it because it's the only other boundary besides safer sex that I've asked of her and she wants to work to establish trust in our relationship, which I respect and appreciate.
Quote:
Originally Posted by yakchef View Post
One thing she really enjoys doing is to "close out the bar," meaning she wants to stay out as long as possible. In the past that caused her to miss the last bus home and thus have to spend the night, breaking the "advance notice" boundary, but that's not really her fault. I mean, with NRE she gets caught up in the moment and forgets until it's too late. I do resent that because it means for those moments she "forgets to care" about my feelings, which she said herself is accurate (forgetting to care). But it's not malicious or intentional, someone forgetting is a mistake, so I can't hold it against her. So that's why the boundary of advance notice is hard for her.
I don't quite understand. She wants to to establish trust in your relationship by refusing to ditch the one boundary you have set, and she does this by... regularly forgetting to respect it?

A boundary is not something you impose on her. A boundary is a limit that you create to show yourself what constitutes a reasonable way for your girlfriend to behave around you and how you will respond when she chooses to behave otherwise. It's the line you draw between "I can deal with this" and "I can't deal with that". When you - hopefully after discussion and introspection - decide on a boundary, you don't give it as an ultimatum to her: "If you do that I'll leave you". You give the ultimatum to yourself: "If she does that, this is how I will respond in order to protect my safety and sanity". She is, of course, free to do whatever she likes, but with your boundary set you know how to respond when that happens and you know that it is her choice which has led to you needing to do it.
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