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Old 05-11-2012, 11:56 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Northern Cali
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Originally Posted by yakchef View Post
I don't really know what to say to that because it feels like that's an introduction to a "breaking up" conversation and I have a strong emotional reaction to it. If I could corral my feelings I guess she's just checking to make sure things are working for me too. She says that she loves me and the only time she breaks up with people are when she doesn't love them any more. But in my experience, you can love someone a lot and still not be with them, and that's what I'm hearing when she says that.
You "guess" that's what she's doing? Has she said that's what she's doing? Because she should be capable of observing that you're "really monogamous" (which is NOT a bad thing!) without it sounding like an accusation. If that's what you're hearing, she needs to change what she's saying and/or the way she's saying it.

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I feel resentful of the fact that her time and energy seems to be mostly devoted to this other person.
This is completely valid. Feeling this does not make you a bad person or immature.

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I suppose she's right.
No, she's not.
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I will fully admit that I'm immature and that I'm not handling my feelings as I should be. Laundry IS a silly thing to argue about. What I was upset about was her "last minute" tactic, which just seems like going through the motions to me. Of course, that's understandable due to the NRE I guess, and I shouldn't take it so personally. I shouldn't have overreacted.
Being angry about the last-minute tactic is, again, perfectly valid. She's behaving like a teenager, trying to get away with not doing her chores on a technicality. I don't care how understandable NRE is, she's an adult and needs to control her actions and manage her time better.
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It just seems that at every turn or strategy that I take, I'm wrong. I should be able to accept being wrong without feeling bad about it, and then apply logic and reason to come to a workable solution that benefits both parties.
Key word is "workable". No matter how logical or reasonable a solution is, it's not workable unless BOTH parties hold up their ends of the agreement.
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My partner told me that even though I feel like I work hard she's the one doing all the work in the relationship because she has to deal with my emotional drama. She told me I don't understand how much work it is for her to try and respect my boundaries and then come home and find me upset. Processing is exhausting but when I bottle up my feelings, I tend to come unglued about stupid things (such as laundry), but me not bottling up my feelings is exhausting for her.
This is just pure BS. She's not doing ALL the work, no matter how difficult it is for her to work through some of these emotions with you.

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The other day we were at the grocery store and I put some frozen vegetables in the cart that were on sale. She said "I won't eat those, I want these instead" and put in something that I considered expensive. I said "No..." and she made a pouty face and took it out. This type of exchange happened with a few other items and I snapped and said "Well when you get a job and start contributing to the household again you can pick out whatever you want." She got mad and said "Oh I see how it is, since I'm just a leech I don't get a say in what we eat." Later I apologized for hurting her feelings because it was a nasty thing to say, but the damage was done.
It doesn't seem like either of you are real clear about how a partnership works. Nothing should be a unilateral decision, even groceries. Right now I'm home with the kids while MC works. Since he earns the money, does he get to decide what the whole house eats? How about the fact that I'm doing the grocery shopping and cooking? Does that mean it's all my choice? In all cases, the answer is no. We decide together. And sometimes he chooses to spend money on something I wouldn't have and sometimes I choose to spend money on something he wouldn't have. That's life.

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I don't have other partners and I realize that's probably part of the problem, and I would have a different perspective if I did.
yeah, you guys would have even less time together and to take care of household stuff.
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Unfortunately I struggle with dating due to social awkwardness and self esteem issues, which is my own fault and shouldn't affect her own perogative to find partners and have her own needs met. I understand that. I feel like I shouldn't be looking to date until I improve my emotional maturity and my distress tolerance because it's not really fair to other people and I'd just be wasting their time. Honestly I wasn't looking to date when I met my current partner, we were really close friends for a year before we started a romantic relationship and I resisted for a while because I was afraid of becoming a big old manbaby (like I'm being right now).
Recognizing your own struggles and trying to do what's fair for other people, instead of just what you WANT, is actually VERY emotionally mature. She could take some lessons from you about being fair to others.

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One thing she really enjoys doing is to "close out the bar," meaning she wants to stay out as long as possible. In the past that caused her to miss the last bus home and thus have to spend the night, breaking the "advance notice" boundary, but that's not really her fault.
Yes, it is. It may have been an accident, but it was still due to a choice she made. And if it happened more than once, then it's not even an accident anymore.
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I mean, with NRE she gets caught up in the moment and forgets until it's too late.
Too bad. She needs to grow up, set an alarm on her phone, whatever she needs to do.
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I do resent that because it means for those moments she "forgets to care" about my feelings, which she said herself is accurate (forgetting to care).
That's fair.
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But it's not malicious or intentional, someone forgetting is a mistake, so I can't hold it against her.
Has she done EVERYTHING in her power to try to correct her behavior? If not, then you absolutely can hold that against her.

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I don't know how to ask for less intensity with the lover because intensity is what it is. I don't think she can just turn down a dial or something. She has a really strong bond with this person and that's something that I can't change or alter. It is what it is.

She said last night that because I've expressed hurt feelings and freaked out in a non-productive way that I've polluted her thing with the lover so much she might as well just break it off, which makes me feel terrible because they're obviously falling in love with one another and I don't want to be the "bad guy."
The first paragraph is true, and good for you for realizing that. The second paragraph is, again, BS. You do not control how SHE feels about someone. That's her emotions and reactions and she needs to own them, not guilt you about it.

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Also yeah, I can't ask her to spend less time with the lover (she's actually a girl) because I'm not around. My partner pointed out last night that because of my work schedule I don't go out much, so what's the point of sitting at home waiting around for me? That's not time invested in the relationship. It's just her making a pointless sacrifice.
As long as she's getting stuff done at home (chore, errands, etc) during your work hours, so that when you're home you two can spend quality time together, sure.

"Having a trust issue" is different from having a partner who is not trustworthy. You seem to have the latter, not the former. And yes, I would tend to agree that you seem to have some self-esteem issues, which are leading you to put up with getting the short end of the stick in a relationship. Ultimately it doesn't matter how much she SAYS she loves you if her actions don't make you feel loved.
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Pan Female, Hinge in a V between my mono (straight) husband, Monochrome and my poly (pan) partner, ThatGuyInBlack
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