Do you have any other partners, or interest in other partners?
Do you feel resentful of the money imbalance?
You said that you have the "advance notice" boundary that she has respected. In your heart of hearts, would you also feel better if there was a "time spent" (or frequency of seeing each other) boundary?
I may be way off -- but my read of this is that you are upset about the new lover, denying yourself the right to ask for what you want (less intensity with the lover) because you think it's not fair, resenting her for not giving you what you want even though you haven't asked for it*, and funneling that resentment into housework/money issues.
I am not sure if this would be helpful to you, but my partner and I have an agreement that feelings are always validated, period. It doesn't matter how stupid or irrational they are, if you're feeling it, it matters. For me, just the process of validation makes it a lot easier to arrive at a practical solution that we both agree with.
*this is in no way a criticism; I completely understand your feeling that you can't/shouldn't ask her to spend less time with the guy when you're not even around. Just thinking the conflict between what you want and what you think you're supposed to do might be at the root of a lot of this turmoil.
Last edited by mostlyclueless; 05-11-2012 at 10:33 PM.