Wow, I did not mean to leave this blank for so long but truth be told all the drama in my triad has me exhausted. The last time I wrote, I was feeling very ignored and overlooked and at times walked over by my partners. Not a great feeling.
I actually took two days away from them both, after a minor incident between my boyfriend and I just tipped the scales, and stayed with my mom to think about what I wanted. I was at my breaking point. When I came home, we all had a very long talk about how I've been feeling and what I needed to be happy.
The talk ended positively but over all I felt that I had once again given in. So maybe it wasn't so positive. Part of the issue about this has been that my partners, particularly my girlfriend has wanted a baby for a long time. I knew at the beginning of this triad that there were baby plans in the mix and that the plan was to start trying after we'd been together for a year. Now, I'm not generally squeamish about the timeline IF (and that's a big IF) the timing feels right. I'm not that person who feels you need to be in a relationship for a year before you move in together. If you date someone for a week and decide you want to get serious, I say go for it. Sure, if you break up it's going to be hard and ugly later but if it's want you want I say go for it. Deal with what happens later. I know most people don't agree but that's how I am.
And if things were as good as they were in the beginning, I don't think I would have had any doubts. However, my gf wanted this baby so badly that when I mentioned holding off, all she could hear was "never" in her emotional state. So my talk about my needs turned into damage control over when to have a baby and her not believing me when I said I did in fact want a child but that I just questioned the timing. Given that they'd been fighting so frequently that month, I felt justified in my feelings.
So, I gave in, to keep the relationship and didn't push the issue of not having a baby until things had cooled and straightened out between all of us. But I was not entirely happy. It's never really been about the baby anyway. The baby itself doesn't scare me, the idea that my gf and I need so much more work does. Two weeks after this talk, my gf gets pregnant and doesn't understand why I'm not exactly jumping for joy, which is funny to be because we'd just had this big talk about how I felt hesitant about the timing and that it wasn't that I didn't want a child but that I wondered about intelligence of the idea at the time. (Notice the word timing being important here lol).
But, in the end we worked it out and I realized that I love these people so much that I want to make things work and I knew what *I* had to do in order to fix things. This was about controlling myself instead of trying to control others. If I do everything in my power to make things work and it doesn't, then I know what I need to do.
And, once I realized this, I felt infinitely better. I felt happy and excited about the child. I wasn't scared. And for a week things were amazing. My girlfriend was never so happy around me, never so interested and invested in me since the early stages of our relationship. I felt so happy. Like, "FINALLY, I'm getting the interaction with her that I need/want and it feels awesome."
Then some bad things happened. And that went all downhill. When things get bad for Nancy, she turns to Hardy full force and pretty much ignores me. I don't honestly think she does it intentionally but she tends to be self-centered and Hardy is her emotional crutch/beacon, or whatever. She turns to him and depends on him completely for that emotional support where she doesn't depend on me. The last month, there abouts, this is what it's been like. She's pregnant, upset, they have drama, they "Fix" their drama and it's all about them.
What makes me so crazy is she isn't always so him focused. Sometimes, she acts a hint like what she used to be to me. But in general she's going through a lot being pregnant and I'm not unsympathetic to that. But I find that I loose patience when she needs Hardy to be ok and it's only after she's gotten her fill of his attention that she remembers I'm around.
I'm also on my period right now so I've been a moody bitch all damn day. But I need to vent so here I am.
I knew, once she got pregnant, that at times she'd be more focused on Hardy than me. I figured it had much to do with him being a biological factor, the biological parent and contributor where I am not. But more and more I realize that she views him more like her partner because they share the mortgage, the bills, they have "real careers" (while I work a "bullshit" part time job and go to grad school.) Maybe I'm projecting, feel free to kick me in the ass if you see too much self indulgent whining going on .
I also knew that because their relationship is stronger, that they've had more intense bonding moments than she and I that I'd have to be strong through those moments where she has her entire focus on him.
And I'm not speaking out of my ass. I know what poly people say about comparison, but when you watch your partner's body language and notice that it's entirely directed at another person, never at you, that you never get the same or even type of physical affection your other partner does...how can I not notice these differences?
So I figured I'd have to fight a little harder, put a little bit more work into this relationship to make it work. And usually, if I'm proactive or even aggressive in reaching out to her, she responds. But lately, not so much.
I try to get her to talk, I get one word answers. I try to comfort her physically and she cringes away. I try to support her and take care of her, but she'll run to Hardy the first chance she gets and spill her guts to him. She'll cuddle up to him and cry on him and let him in. Only after that point when she's calmed down and he's given her sufficient attention does she seem to notice and want my affection then. But by that point I'm so fucking sick and frustrated that I don't even want to be around her.
If I keep trying and it doesn't work, what does that make me?
Most of this may be stupid or whatever. I feel like I'm losing my mind half the time. But I know I'm not crazy when I notice the difference between the way Nancy interacts with me than when she interacts with Hardy. I knew she felt distant before because she never believed I wanted to have the baby. But once we put that behind us and she really understood where I was coming from about it and knew I genuinely did want a child and a family with her, I thought we'd get better. I thought this shit would stop happening. But the bad thing happened and now I'm an afterthought, AGAIN!
And maybe it's the period talking but right now I'm so fucking unhappy. I deserve to be happy! I know I do and I hate that one end of the spectrum can be so good while the other can be so stupid. Hardy and I, I feel, have worked through most of our issues and are moving toward a much better place. When it's just me and him, I feel so happy. But when it's the three of us I feel out of place. And I feel so crazy when Nancy actually notices me, because when she does, I can see that she has true feelings for me. That she does love me. What I can't understand is why things are like this.
I try to look honestly at my behavior and I can see what I do to make things worse. I withdraw when I feel like she does. I probably misinterpret her moods at times and think she doesn't want me. But I do ask when I feel weird if something is up. I don't usually get very far with her. But I try to take her word for it. But then I just end up feeling crazy, like it's all in my head.
But I know it's not.
I hate this. I just want to be happy. And more and more I wonder if it's going to be a poly relationship like this. Maybe I'm not strong enough to be in a triad. Maybe it really is just too unstable like everyone says. Maybe all triads are bound to turn into Vee's because of their nature.
None of this is very brave and I'm trying to not feel ashamed of myself for these feelings.