i think the "lines" look a little clearer from the outside, Windstar, but inside it feels like a soup to me. i'm not good at distinguishing (or admitting to myself, maybe? not like i WANT to be in any kind of denial, self- or otherwise - i think it's just been a survival technique for me from very young days) the differences between how i feel for different people sometimes.
i want to be open to possibility more than i want to be "with" any person at this point.
i feel like those looking on see it as selfish and sometimes careless. i want to be neither. i don't want to hurt ANYBODY....i know, though, that people simply WILL BE HURT as a result of someone else's (or my) actions/decisions at times. it's inevitable, but the fact is that i dwell on it too much. even Z will tell me this - he is an admitted worrier, but he is also all about diving into life and living it, experiencing it, to the fullest - and i both admire him for it and remain in slight awe sometimes.
lately i find my mind centering on this question:
IF I LET GO OF EVERY "SHOULD" AND "OUGHT TO" that exerted its will inside me, and found and followed the tendencies and thread of my heart and spirit...where would i be? what would i be doing? if i ignored the fear?
going to have to find out, or stay in the hamster wheel to whatever degree.