What a 24 hours it has been. From depressed and low to elated and high to yummy and loving to pissed off and hurt to now.
I know that this is what I have signed up for, and iíll take it all as it comes. hopefully I can keep coming back to a place of centeredness and grace.
In general I tend to be ever-supportive and ever-loving, but lately Iíve experienced a string of rejections professionally that have been a big hit to my morale. Each opportunity was like a sweet candy dangled before me that I jump for. Each one has been pulled away from me after I put my heart and soul into making it happen. When i commit I commit fully. So the denials have been hard to take. The string of them has proven to be a really big bite to swallow and Iíve found myself in the darkness a bit. Thatís not normal. Iím normally all optimism and possibilities. My glass is almost always half full, you know?!
So in this place of fending off depression about my professional rejections, Iíve been participating in this new threesome. It has made it a bit challenging. I havenít had any problems with my wife and our new loverís relationship together, but being in a dark place where I feel needy is a new thing for me, and I am not as graceful as I want to be.
So three things have happened:
1) the third check in with our new boyfriend
2) the first sleepover without sex
3) a problem with my wife
So here is the first thing:
I just auditioned for a part that I was led to believe that I would get. When the company changed course 180 degrees and offered me the lamest excuse about not hiring me, I took it hard. I was there for all the auditions, and I know I was the best. They wonít tell me the real reason that they arenít hiring me, and I still have a bit part to play on the sidelines. So my heart was low and my hopes had been dashed.
Coming back from the news, I was ready to just go into my man-cave and be alone, but as I drove by our new boyfriend on the way to our yacht, he waved me over. He offered me beer and cigarettes and his ever-friendly conversation, and I warmed and relaxed with him as we watched a magnificent sunset together from the deck. He wanted to check in with me about our threesome, and I liked that he brought it up and not me. that means he is getting more comfortable with things.
He voiced a concern that he has identified that he has, and I was glad to hear it. He doesnít want to ever get in the middle between my wife and me if we have an argument. Simple and straightforward. I canít imagine ever trying to get him to take my side when having a problem with her. I canít imagine her doing it either, but it was good to hear him voice a concern.
As the beer flowed and the cigarettes burned and I relaxed more with him, the conversation expanded. It was so good to reach this level with him. We got into the gritty and uncomfortable things. I told him my fears. They are small, and I donít think about them much, but they are there and I voiced them. I told him I worry about him getting her pregnant. She and I havenít conceived a child together in six/seven years now. If he were to get her pregnant i would probably freak the hell out!
I also told him that I worry just a bit about her leaving me for him. That would pretty much destroy me.
Then we talked about STDs. My wife rarely but occasionally gets a herpes pimple down below. He hasnít given her oral sex yet, and when i brought up the topic, I immediately had to tell him about the STD. He just has the right to know so he can make an informed decision on whether or not he wants to engage in oral sex with her. He said that he has no STDs that he is aware of, and I told him the sameĖwhich is the truth. Iíve been tested many times. In six years with my wife weíve never used condoms and we have a prolific oral sex life. Iíve never contracted the herpes that I know of. Of course it can be dormant and not express itself, but most people have it anyways, so itís not that serious. not compared to AIDS and Syphilis, etc!
I asked him about going down on him the last time and did it bother him? He said noÖwhen we are all together and playing ďanything goesĒ and he ďdoesnít really feel any boundariesĒ. Thatís good. Still you often donít know you have a boundary until it is crossed.
We talked about both of our lack of gay experiences, and he revealed to me that he actually was raped by a bunch of older boys when he was a boy. he was full on anal penetration raped by force by a gang of older kids. Yuck. So he has that in his experience but doesnít feel like it was a gay experience, as it wasnít consensual. wow. Iím amazed at how well he has processed and dealt with it!
We moved on and I said that i still feel like our threesomes are a bit lopsidedĖheavy on he and her getting it on with me on the sidelines. As I said it, I realized that that is in my power to alter. I could simply make more of my presence known in the sexperience. how simple it was to realize that, but I needed to say it out loud in order to realize it! Cool!
That brought up how he feels when he is ďon the sidelinesĒ while she and I are having sex. What do you do? do you leave and let us have a moment alone? Do you sit back and masturbate? Do you caress us both? so many options! That begged the question of whether or not he likes to see us or to watch. He said ďdefinitely!Ē He totally is aroused and excited by watching her and me. He still hasnít masturbated in our presence, but he says he likes to see it and he appreciates the beauty of our loving and connection. I encouraged him to feel comfortable being ďon the sidelinesĒ and to participate in some way or sit back and masturbate where we could see that he is doing so.
At the end of our check in we were giddy with excitement and connection. We headed in to the marina to pick her up from work.
The other two parts later....