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Old 05-11-2012, 05:32 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

I don't know if poly people fall in love more than swingers do, but I would think that polyamorists actively seek relationships that they believe will be more conducive to love, emotional investment, and loving feelings. They want that, they pursue it, they are here to find ways to make it work. And loving multiple people is, by and large, exactly what swingers don't want.

HOWEVER, CdM, I believe it is true that there has recently been a noticeable increase on this board in the folks who come here focused on sex and hooking up rather than developing relationships and "romance." It seems that, lately, the newer members come here and post without reading much of the board before doing so. They Google some key words about sex and find us, and start posting. They haven't stopped to see what this community is about, and many of the members that were here last year and regularly posting their very relationship- or family-oriented perspectives (and problems) aren't posting here much anymore. The sex-focused demographic appears to be much younger, too, it seems to me (but I could be wrong about that).

I find myself in a weird position about it. I'm not into recreational sex but I don't have a problem with more loose and casual relationships, and most of mine start with sex before developing into friendship or love. But I have a very encompassing definition of love, and feel I could love someone even if I knew I would only be with him for one night. My current relationship might not "qualify" in the Rule Books as poly, and I am happy to have multiple lovers rather than partners, but I still find it rather noteworthy that there has been an abundance of recent posts where casual sex or swinging-like activities are the central theme. I wondered if I was the only one who found this somewhat... off-putting? Not sure what word I would use, actually. I feel like I have asked twenty new posters in the last few months if they are sure they've really found the appropriate forum for their issues because none of what they wrote about seemed like it was related in any way to polyamory. Granted, sex and sexual issues are, of course, a big part of any relationship, but when posters seem to focus on strategizing for the chance to have as many emotionless NSA sex partners as possible rather than cultivating multiple caring, loving, committed (whatever that commitment may be) connections, then it does feel like this online poly community is becoming splintered philosophically.

Of course, if we read old posts here from the beginning, sex has always been a part of the discussions and I am sure no one who is poly and/or open and/or swinging has been shunned here for that. I feel we can still be inclusive, but how do we get back to loving relationships as the core of what we're striving for here? Or is that what we want? I wonder -- are the members who don't come here anymore staying away because they want less of a focus on casual sex and more of a focus on building poly relationships? Or are they staying away because we were trying to define poly too narrowly and seemed to be judging them? Hmm.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

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Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 05-11-2012 at 05:58 AM.
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