Poly Without Knowing?
I don't know if this will turn into a regular journal/blog. I'm rather horrible at keeping up with the other attempts I've made at blogging, and for now there's just one story I want to put down in writing.
If you ask me when I started being poly, I'll tell you 2.5 years ago, when I started dating TGIB the first time. However, if you ask my husband (MC) when my first poly relationship was, he'll tell you back in 2004, when I became best friends and FWB's with a man I'll call Z.
I don't consider this a poly relationship because I wasn't in love with Z. I loved him as a friend but I knew that our physical relationship was only a for-now, stop-gap sort of thing, until he found someone to be in a monogamous relationship with. He and I hadn't made any sort of commitment to each other; we were nothing more than close friends who had "fun" together sometimes.
Fast forward to 2006. I'm due to give birth to my first child, and he tells me that he's dating someone, so the physical stuff between he and I will have to stop. Ok, no problem. Of course I'm a little sad and I miss that part of our friendship, but I'm not angry. I'm happy that he's found someone after all the drama his ex put him through. He still comes out to visit the week after I give birth, and that's when, I think, things started to go downhill. I'm a brand-new mom, totally immersed in my new baby and the family my husband and I have created, and this is compounded by the fact that I'm not sure how to treat him now that he's dating someone. Basically, it was REALLY poor timing, because I'm usually (in all my relationships) the one to push for communication, but this time I'm so involved with my child that I don't even address the disconnect between us. I don't ask about new boundaries, there's no conversation about how things will be different now, nothing. But we can get past that, right? Communication can happen later, down the road, with forgiveness and understanding on both sides, right?
He started pulling away from me, but I attributed that to his new relationship and my new child. Understandable, it'll be ok later. We both need time to adjust.
Except adjustment never happened.
I found out many months later that he was hurt at the way I had "ignored" him when he flew here to visit after the baby was born. Feeling hurt, he didn't defend me much (if at all) when his girlfriend started...I don't even know how to phrase it. Talking shit about me, basically. Keep in mind she and I had never met (and at this point likely will never meet). From somewhat benign judgments about how stupid I was for reading romance novels (whatever, some of that shit is FUNNY!), she moved on to what a horrible person I was for having a relationship with Z while married to MC. Z was not exempt from her judgments either- he wasn't much better, for knowingly "dating" a married woman. I don't know how much of an explanation he gave her, but whatever he tried had no effect. I was a bad person and being friends with me was not acceptable. If he wanted to be with her, he had to cut off all contact with me.
And he did.
Not only was I devastated, but he didn't even have the balls to admit what was happening. He tried to make it my fault, somehow, and my behavior was why he was choosing to not be friends with me anymore.
That experience taught me a LOT about the need for communication and my requirement that someone I'm close to have a spine and be able to think for themselves.
Pan Female, Hinge in a V between my mono (straight) husband, Monochrome and my poly (pan) partner, ThatGuyInBlack