[BaggagePatrol]

I've been doing a lot of thinking about equity in our relationship ever since we made the decision to foster a healthy dyad between Elemental and Sync. Been thinking about having a lover of my own again, now that we're in a stable place without drama and upset (never a time to start a new relationship, IMHO). I've spoken loads with both of them about this idea both past, and present and they're both extremely supportive of it and so this weekend I took the plunge and reactivated my OKCupid profile that has lain dormant for quite some time.

I made the decision to not seek out any particular gender. Now that I very much know that I am queer/bi/pansexual I decided to just see what the dating world brought to me. While my profile is being checked out and I'm being messaged by an overwhelming majority of guys, I have had some interest from women as well. I also took the liberty of writing an ad on CL to see if I might find a couple that I could bring the pleasure of a third to (Elemental's suggestion, and one that appeals to me) and have received one very interesting reply. Laid up with the beginnings of a head cold, I alternated between reading The Girl Who Played With Fire, and checking out what was going on OKCupid, and my inbox.

It's interesting to put myself back "out there". It's been nearly six years since I sought out a lover of my own, and my circumstances were different then; I was the hinge in a vee, and my men did not know each other other than to hear me speak of the other from time to time. Here I am now with a husband, and a girlfriend of sorts, seeking out a lover of my own.

I have some feelings around all of this - some concerns, and some fears, but Elemental is being amazing talking me through them. I worry about the kind of male energy I'm going to attract; I find many men unpleasantly unevolved, but have a conventional beauty that appeals to a wide sector of men. My looks are accessible - I am slim and curvy with long blonde hair and a ready, vivacious smile. However I'm largely protected from this because of the kind of work I do, and the company that I keep. I have strong opinions about things like pornography, or any kind of subjugation or compartmentalization around women's bodies or sexuality, and am doing my best to root out the douchebags who are only interested in my physical package as soon as humanly possible. It also makes me nervous to have my profile up online, given that I have a high profile in my community. I have listed myself as being a member of a neighbouring community about an hour and a half away, and have been upfront with those that I am actually interested in about my actual location. I usually only last a couple of weeks before I get too freaked out by it and pull my profile down... we'll see how it goes.

My biggest fears lie in NRE. In falling in love with someone and being unable to manage my feelings. Having watched Elemental behave so poorly makes me fearful of what I'm capable of in the blurry haze of new love - I know how committed I am to respecting boundaries, and my partners' feelings, but I'm not head over heels and impervious right now - I'm rational and logical. Elemental speaks of his intense and absolute commitment to me, and his ability to communicate with my heart. He tells me that he would never let me go (I have left primary partners during NRE in my past) and that he would fight for me and ensure that our relationship survived that confusing time.

He holds my heart next to his until it slows and my breath comes steady. He wipes the tears that come at the brink of orgasm, him slowly sliding love into my body through his rigid cock. He wraps me in his muscular arms and holds me against his chest, kissing every inch that he can reach with his tender mouth and whispers his love into my hair. There is nothing like this connection and nothing like this love, and my fears are put to rest, for now.