Things keep on keepin' on. I've been increasingly frustrated at my "friendzone" feeling. The more I read on here, talk to folks, and think things over, the more I think it has to do with us just expressing feelings in different ways (love languages anyone?), and the fact that I'm looking at how my husband and I interact - that is a dynamic that built up over 7 years. I also suspect a lot of Marty's has to do with how he and his wife interact. I have to remind myself that four months is really not that long of a time. Even though I have such strong feelings, we haven't really been together that long. I'm working on just enjoying the moment more, instead of worrying about what we should do next, where things are going in six months, etc.
Things kind of came to a head last week when I showed up for what I thought was a planned date time and Marty wasn't home yet. Turns out we had walked away from a conversation with different ideas of what was decided, in part because of how ambivalent I've been attempting to be about plans (there is a reason for it, but too long an explanation for today). The good thing is, this caused us to sit down and talk about scheduling, as well as clear up a couple other things that had been on his mind. We had limited talk time, and I'm a fan of not dumping every single topic into one evening, so I saved a couple things I want to talk about for our next opportunty.
We've now set a tentative "schedule" for dates... obviously not set in stone because life happens. We're going to continue with the Wednesday date nights, and instead of shooting for every Sunday, we're going for every other Sunday. That will give us both a couple free days a month to socialize with other people, do things around the house, or just slack off. I can't lie, part of me is a bit sad that we'll have a bit less time together. But the smarter, more logical part of me knows that these off days will enable the together days to be less stressful, so that can only be a good thing. I know I have a tendency to cling and want to eke out as much time as humanely possible with those I care about. I know too that is stifling to many others, and to be fair also does stress me out since it leaves me no time left over. So I am going to make the most of these "off" days.
I've been stressing for a good deal now about letting him know how I feel about him. Our society builds up so much baggage around saying "I love you" that I've been really freaked out. I'm not entirely sure why but I continually have the feeling that given the nature of our relationship I'm not "allowed" or "supposed" to be in love, or express love, or be romantic, etc. That's not true (that I am aware of) and my best guess is that it's a combination of my brain giving scaredy cat me a loophole, my brain still being stuck in monogamy mindset, and me looking at how I act in a romantic relationship vs how he does (those love languages again) and just thinking it's wrong. I'm hoping to get an actual date night on Weds (sans kiddos and spouses) so that I can attempt to bring up feelings. I'm also hoping that when I do, he doesn't run for the hills, haha!
Things with Derrick are going pretty well too. We had our weekly date night Friday and went to see The Avengers which was amazing. We are already planning to go again this coming weekend with a couple friends. Now that I've developed a couple low key hobbies, am exercising again, and socializing outside my marriage (with friends, as well as with Marty), it's given hubby more time for his projects and hobbies which I know makes him happy. And at the end of most days, we get to curl up together and chill out, which makes us both happy. I realize I write a disproportionately large amount about my boyfriend compared to my husband, and I think that is simply because the boyfriend thing is still relatively new, I'm still learning who he is and how we are together. Things with my husband do change at times, nothing is unchanging, but we have been together for almost eight years, so it's a bit different. But it's good.
And I really like hubby's version of compersion... which translates to not only being super happy about the fact I get pretty frequent dates with Marty, but also to jumping me when I get home. Not out of jealousy, pretty much the exact opposite reason. Heh.