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Old 11-28-2009, 11:46 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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It sounds to me like this man did a good job rescuing you. You must love him very much for doing that. It sounds like he encompassed you with his appreciation for women like you and showed you how you too could appreciate yourself. That is lovely and very caring, but might suggest that it is time to take the show on the road and get out of this co-dependency.

This thread has turned into a concern for your primary relationship because those who have chosen to write to you are concerned that you have not taken all the steps to being self actualized. Part of that is that you seemingly have no problem with these women thinking they are better than you when it comes to your husband. No one should EVER think they are better than you. I am still concerned by this. Your husband is right. It really isn't to do with him and everything to do with you. However he is not being helpful and proactive in helping you out of these situations. Maybe because he doesn't want you to be self actualized as you won't be the woman he fell in love with anymore. Therefore he may fear that he won't be attracted to you anymore.

As a self actualized individual I would NEVER let anyone think that it is okay that they treat me the way you describe. Especially when they are friends/lovers of my husband. I can understand that people have esteem issues, I can understand that they think hes the "bees-knees", I can understand that they are learning from him, but they have absolutely no right to think they are in anyway entitled to him over me. I'm afraid that they would be pulled aside and quickly put in their place.

My husband and I have negotiated veto power for such occasions. If there is someone in our lives that the other has a problem with then we reserve the right to ask that they not be a part of our lives. There is time to this however, I would not simply demand this right, a process would have to ensue whereby I would ask (he usually sees it at the same time I do anyway) that he talk to them first and let them know he is not pleased with what they have said or their actions and this is what the consequence will be if it happens again. Usually it means that I will talk to them, or we both will.

Usually, at this point in our relationship, we see together what has happened or been said and address it immediately in the moment and without hesitation. We are very practiced with this by now. It takes time. We are used to calling each other on stuff and those that are close to us.

I am amazed that you have this dynamic and find it fascinating. It's almost D/s (domination/submission) to me. That is why I wondered if he gets a charge out of the women treating you the way they do. People spend years developing that in some SM relationships. The difference being that they have an arrangement that is acceptable to both of them, I am unsure that it is acceptable to you.

It's a shame he won't go to therapy with you. This is NOT your issue alone and you can do all the therapy you want, but if this is an issue that is keeping you from reaching your full potential then it will become evident and eventually it will be necessary for him to go if there is a hope in hell of the two of you staying together. His unwillingness makes me wonder if he is fearful or just doesn't want you to reach your potential because he doesn't dig women that have.

I wonder if you can take yourself out of the realm of whatever makes your husband such a celebrity and see this for what it is, two human beings trying to make their relationship work. It makes no difference what he does that makes him acknowledged, as a human right, you are entitled to respect. You deserve it as a fellow human being. If all of you were sitting in my living room right now and as I don't know who your husband is and in what way he is famous, I would expect him to treat you with dignity and respect. I would hope that you would ask for that and demand that. It's nothing to do with how much you love each other, or what is going on for others around you, it's a right.
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