You guys have no idea how much your support means to me. It feels great to finally open up about this to someone. I wish I could get this couple out of my head. I know it's still fresh, but I still think about them basically all day, from the time I wake up till the time i go to bed. It's so frustrating. It definitely doesn't help that the company I work for is going out of business, and the stress of finding a new job is really getting to me as well.
I know these things aren't logical, but jay is aware that he is being mistreated and I think he fears the change that a break up would entail, and the fact that he doesn't make enough money to live on his own and would have to move back to west virginia if he broke up with bob probably has something to do with it.
Jay said something that was very telling to me last time we spoke, that in the beginning of our relationship when he noticed the bond I had with him was so strong, and felt the imbalance between our relationship and my relationship with bob, he said he wished he ended it. He said he wished it never happened. That probably hurt me the most. As many regrets as I have, my relationship with him isn't one of them. Me and jay clicked so well on every level, I felt like I knew him for a lifetime. I know he felt it too, he told me many times. And bob felt that way about me as well, at one point bob was ready to dump jay for me, and I had to talk him off the ledge, explaining if jay was gone I wouldn't just be his replacement. And jay knows this, yet he is still by bobs side. I don't think he will ever leave, I suspect jay will simply be there until bob decides to dump him, and im sure I've bought their relationship another year or so bc bob saw how into jay I was, and is now squeezing onto him for dear life.
Kevin, I agree with everything u said. I don't know if this is hard on jay as it is on me, bc he has the support of bob right now who is clinging on to him and convincing him that I am the source of all of their anxiety and problems. And your dead on about bob wanting multiple partners for himself and for jay to be his alone. after banning jay from seeing me and without giving me so much as an explanation, within a week he was back online with the words "trying again" in the tag line. his unicorn hunting continues, I just hope the next person doesn't make the same naive mistakes that I did. Anyway, I'm sure ur right, that the notion of a life partner is possible, I'm just pessimistic at the moment. But alas I am a hopeless romantic at the end of the day, and i do believe in love.
I think I have become the scapegoat for everything wrong in bob and jays relationship, and I know that bob is doing everything in his power to convince jay of that. In hindsight bob is one of the most emotionally abusive, selfish people i have ever met. That night when i fell asleep on his couch, he literally had a temper tantrum like a toddler when I didn't want to get in bed with him. He never spoke to me again, just texted me to never contact him or his boyfriend again. And blamed me for everything, as I hear from jay, he mopes around playing the victim, acting depressed if jay even brings up my name, and throws more temper tantrums if he wants to hang out with me, pounding his fist on the wall like a child, mind you this is a 38 year old man.
At this point I just feel sorry for jay. I really love him and want the best for him, even if it's not me, I want him to be happy. And it makes me sad that he is happy with bob, who has told me several times, that he doesn't even like or respect him. What a mess. Jay is overwhelmed easily by highly emotional situations, and would rather sit back and let things happen around him. That's why I think he won't go anywhere anytime soon, regardless of how poorly he is treated, if that relationship ends it will be bc bob gets sick of jay and decides to trade him in for a younger guy.
Blackunicorn, I'm sending u a PM. I agree with u that people with HIV are so demonized and stigmatized in our society, and I believe that's why bob felt it necessary to lie to me. That's definitely not an excuse, what he did was the ultimate form of selfishness.
Nycindie, ur story does make me feel a little better. It definitely helps to hear from others who have had similar experiences. Everyone's responses have really helped me to put things into perspective. I would probably still be an emotional mess had I not had the support from everyone here, I am so grateful and will try my best to pay it forward. Each day is still a struggle right now, but I'm hopeful for the future. I think I can get over the betrayal by bob, I just wonder if these feelings for jay will ever go away. I love him so much and miss him all the time.