swallowing pride, for better or for worse
so here I go, my very first blog. Feel free to respond/tell me i'm an idiot, or agree with me on certain issues.
So, here's the back story. My girlfriend and I have been together for a little over four and a haalf years now. And though we haven't been perfect, we love eachother very much. About 5 months ago, we decided to try poly. I had wanted it for sometime, but prior to us nearly breaking up she had only hated me for that.
Deciding we love eachother, and still want to be together, she agreed to poly/open relationships. The next couple moths were great, though we didn't really do anything (or anyone), just the idea of having that kind of freedom meant the world to me. We were in a better place than we'd been in several months.
then, we decided to have a four some with some poly friends whom at the time, seemed to understand where we were mentally and relationship wise. Well, it was a little much for her right off the bat, and I understand that. (please let it be known we BOTH agreed to the four some. I did not force her into it.)
a couple weeks later, while staying over (though not sleeping with) that same couple, my girlfriend overheard a conversation between the two of them, where he said to his wife, (talking about me) "you need to go in there an fuck the shit out of him so she'll leave." given, neither of us hang around with them anymore.
needless to to say, she was upset, and because of which, she closed our relationship again. She told me she wasn't ready, and couldn't give me that now. I felt like i'd lost my freedom. I still wanted her to love/sleep with whom she chose fit, aand told her so. Even if I couldn't. I felt it would help her grow as a person in several ways.
so here we are three or four months after that, and she now has a girl whom she's not dating, but fools around with, and a boy whom isn't her boyfriend yet, but they are very much in love (and have been for five years). Both of her lovers/lusters are free to be with whomever they choose.
so here comes my problem. I love her, and respect that she wants to be with the other two people. I feel very compersionate about that. I love them both, they are great people. But, I can't help feeling upset/disappointed/whatever about the fact that she is allowed to be open, and both of them are allowed to be open, but i'm not.
so this is where the title comes into place, for better or for worse, I have to swallow my pride right now, and I hate the inequallity that this has created for me. On one hand, I think I asked for it, but on the other, I still feel hurt. I don't feel like she ever will be ok with me dating/sleeping with other people, as there has been no progression in that direction for months.
I want her to do what she wants, but I hate that out of the three lovers/lusters in her life, i'm the only one who can't be open.
what i'm trying to accomplish by posting here, is to see if writing about it will help me come to an understanding for all of these new situations. Today i'm feeling particularly down about it, and just need time to think and cry and whatever else. I'll try to post every day about how i'm feeling, and feel free to post comments/suggestions.