Okay - now I have a plan.
The plan is to work on acting for a month as if I feel totally secure about my SO's love for me. Whenever I feel precarious in his life, I plan on writing about it in a diary rather than trying to talk to him about it. Hopefully the writing will help in two ways - it should provide some useful information about when these feelings arise. And hopefully will help me become less stressed.
And I'm not going to talk to people about it. I have e-mailed my SO lots about my thoughts and that works fine but talking about it always causes fights - I don't explain it well in person - too emotional - and also it's hard stuff to hear. He absolutely loves me and works really hard to do what I need so to hear that it still isn't enough is hard for him.
Talking to friends has turned out to be mostly not useful. My friends are wonderful and speaking from a place of love, most of them have told me that my feelings are totally okay. That my SO should do whatever I need to make me feel secure in his life.
While it's nice to hear that there is no problem with me
, it is not useful. Those conversations tend to end with me feeling like my SO needs to step up and make more effort. He doesn't at all - nobody could make enough effort to make me feel better about this stuff. I need to walk through this stage in my life.
So e-mails, thinking about the good things, a diary and writing on forums will be enough for the next month or so.