I just wanna say the support that I've gotten here from all of u really has meant a lot to me. When I wrote out my question I was extremely emotional and overwhelmed, and it was really the first time I had opened up at all since this happened. Like kevin suggested, I decided that I'm definitely gonna take space to myself for a while, take a break from relationships in general and work on myself. Some days are better than others for sure, but at this moment I'm feeling like its a lesson learned. Hindsight is 20/20 and looking back I see now that I was extremely naive. I just need some time to process it all.
I do know for sure that my perspective on relationships is forever altered. When it did work, and the NRE was pumping strong all around, I was shocked at how much everything just clicked. I don't know if I'll personally enter into another poly relationship in the future after what i went through with this couple, but I won't say never.
The abuse comment from ViableAlternative rings true to me. I actually asked jay why he stayed with someone who talked down to him and says such hurtful things, and he broke down crying and said that he had "no response that wouldn't sound like a battered wife." he's aware that bob treats him like crap, I just dont think he realizes he can do better. Once I have a chance to heal and get over this, I'll decide if a friendship with jay is one worth having. With his boyfriend having banned him from seeing me, I wouldn't want to make his life harder. We had such a connection, but I realize I have romanticized it a bit and only space will allow me to be certain.
In terms of the hiv risk, I can only stay optimistic and trust that having safe sex was enough to protect me. This period of not knowing will be a struggle for sure, but I've been through a lot in my life. It pains me so much to think that there is nothing stopping bob from continuing this destructive path, and using others like he used me. I don't believe he is truly polyamorous, unless polyamory implies using people as a means to an end. What he did was actually a felony, criminal manslaughter, but I don't want to ruin his and jays life, I just never want them to do this to anyone again. But I know it's out of my hands.
This has been such an emotional roller coaster. I'm curious as to how common this is in a triad type relationship, I wonder if it can work, if it can be successful. But I'm beginning to wonder that about any type of relationship, mono included. The idea of a life partner is starting to seem like a fantasy.