So last night we all had chats together until late in the evening, and Sync sent us a really cool video blog from a comedian down in the States. It totally caught us off guard (he uses our names, and speaks directly to our situation). Pretty cool present. At the end of our chats, Sync expressed a desire to have chats with Elemental the next night (tonight) as her and him have only really been txting as of late. I passed this along to him, and they both expressed that they were looking forward to it. Cool! So I've been under the assumption that tonight Elemental would be downstairs having a drink and chatting with Sync for a couple of hours, and was feeling super comfortable/lots of compersion around it. This may seem ridiculous, but as independent communication is somewhat new for us, I still count milestones in healthy relationship building/trust rebuilding, no matter how silly they may seem to more seasoned poly folks.
He comes home from walking the dogs, all affectionate and sweet with me, and then says he has something to tell me that he doesn't think I'm going to be very happy about. I brace myself, having no idea what direction this might take, wary because we're just really starting to gain momentum on a good path. He tells me that he called Sync on the phone while he was out walking the dogs.
Now, it's not even like this is a big deal - it's fine if they talk on the phone I guess. What irks me is that AGAIN he is talking to me about something AFTER it happened instead of before. I am so tired of this dynamic, where Elemental does what he wants, and then thinks about how it's going to possible affect me after the fact. That he STILL hasn't figured out that I don't like surprises, and need the courtesy of a check in before heading off into uncharted territory with a secondary partner. I'm quite sure, given how well everything has been going, that I would have thought about it for a little bit/checked in with myself and been fine with it.... but I never seem to be allowed that opportunity of seeing how I feel before something progresses into reality.
He feels really upset about it. I'm not upset about the phone call, I'm upset about the seeming lack of respect, and total disconnect between him making decisions that I feel are something that we should talk about. To date, we have only spoken with Sync on the phone at the same time - talking to her independently is a change of course, and even a perfunctory "Hey, I'd really like to give Sync a call while I'm walking the dogs - is that cool with you?" would have made me feel included.
I don't really know what to do about any of this kind of stuff anymore. Every single boundary that we've ever created has been transgressed. I have been put through the fire by Elemental over and over again, and keep getting back up, dusting myself off and getting ready to head forward with a firm resolve to rebuild my faith in him as a partner. And then he just knocks me over again by making decisions.
Calling - not a big deal. But going to see Sync without talking to me about it when we were on a break? Big deal! Why am I not allowed the opportunity to talk about what is, and what is not a big deal for me? And the second he got off the phone, he had that flash of "Uh oh, I probably should have talked to BaggagePatrol before I made that phone call". Afterwards. Not before. Le fuckity! I'm pissed! I don't want to sign up for more rounds of being dragged around emotionally on his whim.
Just don't know what to do with any of this.