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Old 05-05-2012, 01:04 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,836

Originally Posted by FigNewtonian View Post
If I may, as the hubby in question:
Thank you for joining the conversation! I think B&B was uncomfortable speaking for others (even though it would seem that the two of you have been very clear in your discussions with each other) so it is helpful to hear your thoughts directly.

(clipped very good summation of intellectual and emotional responses - confirms a lot of what B&B thought/felt was going on)

Originally Posted by FigNewtonian View Post
The idea that I can have intimate emotional and physical relationships with multiple people and yet would not be comfortable with those people having intimate emotional and physical relationships with other people is something that's real and deep rooted. I'm just not.

I understand the imbalance and I loathe imbalance, but I feel like I'm in this situation because of a set of specific circumstances and coincidence buttressed by my sense of ethics and responsibility to my previous partner and my current girlfriend.
With you guys coming from a place of monogamy I find this not at all surprising - I have read a number of people here post about this. Since neither of the woman in question seem to be pushing for equal (sexual/romantic) freedom at this point (unless I missed it) I don't know that you have to push yourself to go there just yet. I would add a caveat that even "real and deep rooted" feelings CAN change over time for some people (not saying that they WILL of course).

For years and years MrS felt that he could not take me being with another man (I'm bi and, for him, me being with girls was not as threatening) and it was not an issue for a long long time. When the time came that it needed to be addressed again his initial response was almost a reflexive "NO!!!!"...and then, after some chaos and turbulence...and a lot of consideration...the answer changed to YES. He found that in the intervening decades, something had changed for him - he just hadn't realized it.

In the meantime this is still very new. My advice (FWIW) Be gentle with yourselves. Work with what you have and come to peace with where you are before moving further along some sort of "poly continuum" (if indeed you all feel the need to do so at some point - no reason that you have to if everyone is on board with how things are).

Originally Posted by FigNewtonian View Post
The idea of monogamy is in direct conflict with my desire to love, cherish and respect the two people I want to.

tl;dnr = it's freaking messy and confusing and I'm doing the best I can, flawed creature that I am.
This, I think is the crux of it. And why I think you all have a chance of making it work. I think that you have all learned valuable (and perhaps surprising) things about yourselves and each other during this part of your journey. I'm impressed with how thoughtful you are being toward each other while still, it seems, making your needs (and fears and hopes) known.

Originally Posted by FigNewtonian View Post
That felt good. Glad to have a place where I can talk like that...
Excellent! I have found that posting here can be quite therapeutic - just getting the words out seems to help clarify my thinking. As an added bonus, being able to talk to people who may have been through similar struggles (as well as people that can sometimes ask tough questions) may help give you some helping hands along the road.

Good luck to you!

Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (24+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (6+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost lover-friend to me, FWBs to SLeW
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 05-05-2012 at 01:09 AM.
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