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Old 05-04-2012, 11:47 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
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Hi BW,

It sounds like you're experiencing some limerence. This woman you're pining over might be willing to do specific things to help you feel more loved. What is your "love language?" There are five:
  • Words of Affirmation.
  • Quality Time.
  • Receiving Gifts.
  • Acts of Service.
  • Physical Touch.
Most people "feel loved" when receiving one of the above things, but the other four don't give them that "loved" feeling so much. I'm thinking "Words of Affirmation" is your love language (or maybe "Quality Time"). But I could be wrong. Try to think about which *specific* kinds of (words or) actions by your girlfriend make you feel the most loved.

Emotions aren't directly chosen; we can only make choices that affect our "emotional environment." So you can't just "will" yourself to be less obsessed over your girlfriend (nor can you will her to be more obsessed about you), there has to be some kind of thought basis (influenced by one's surroundings) for the emotional change.

You probably need some middle ground, something where she does a little in some area that would help you feel more loved, and something where you had some things to take your mind off it so you weren't thinking about it all the time. What are your hobbies/interests?

Perhaps something as simple as physical exercise might help. Exerting yourself and getting your lungs heaving and your heart pounding may have some cathartic benefits. If you have the time to get out and do some running, push-ups, pull-ups, etc., that might be something to try.

It sounds like a lot of this is centered around your desire to have her talk about how she feels, and she may have trouble expressing herself. Again, you need some middle ground. Ask her if she can make a little more effort to open up, and offer in return that you'll try to understand that communication is difficult for her, and that you'll try to be appreciative of her efforts to do better. Ask her if there's anything that's holding her back that you could help with.

When you do bring it up with her (this lack of communication), how does the conversation usually go? Can you give me an example?

You feel what you feel. You have to accept yourself on that level before you can figure out any change.

Maybe she needs you to set the example. Can you think of any ways to communicate (to her) more of your feelings? Do you have any fears about doing that?

I think you'll get this figured out eventually, but I know it's not easy.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.
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