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Old 05-04-2012, 10:11 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Location: Olympia, Washington
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Re (from blytheandbonny, Post #1):
Quote:
"So. I have no idea what my boundaries are. What's acceptable to negotiate. When it's okay to express discomfort."
It's okay to express discomfort whenever you feel discomfort. It's just that simple. (Although like ThatGirlInGray said, hopefully you can express it in a nice way.)

Re (from blytheandbonny, Post #1):
Quote:
"I've asked tons of questions as I've probed how I feel about this. Been busy gathering data. Still pondering what this would look like and examining what my thresholds truly are. I've surprised myself at my easy acceptance of the idea of being on one side of a poly V. Of course, that's the abstract. Don't know what tomorrow holds."
Ah, but who among us knows what tomorrow holds? You've done your homework; now for the scary part of living the reality. Remember that every relationship is unique (as unique as the people in it), so you'll have to learn (by experience) what works for you (versus what theoretically works for everyone).

Re (from blytheandbonny, Post #4):
Quote:
"I think I will tend to err on the side of over-communicating."
There you go, that's the ticket.

Re (from blytheandbonny, Post #4):
Quote:
"I've stuck my toe in the water by being very open to his expressing to me verbally and in written word how he feels about her, and to my shock it didn't sting as much as I thought it would. It was mild discomfort, and that seems to be fading. Then, unexpectedly, my heart welled up at the beauty of their love. What's that all about? Weird."
That's called compersion.

Re (from blytheandbonny, Post #5):
Quote:
"I do think that there will be nights they choose to spend the night together over at her place. Not sure it's any of my business what they choose to do or not do on those nights."
Well yeah, I think it's kind of your business, if it's something you'd want to hear about. There's probably a happy medium in here somewhere between knowing "every little detail" and "knowing nothing" (which lets some folks's imaginations run wild).

Re (from blytheandbonny, Post #5):
Quote:
"I'd hate to think that either of them worrying about my feelings would dampen anything between them though. They deserve to treasure what they have between them without outside influence."
Ah, but you guys have a poly relationship with each other now. Nothing happens in a vacuum. You are an "inside influence."

Each of you will have your tricky feelings to contend with. This is a new reality for the three of you. You'll all have to get used to it (in your own various ways).

Re (from ThatGirlInGray, Post #6):
Quote:
"Sometimes it's just not possible to know where the limits are until you reach them, so there's nothing wrong with asking as long as you're comfortable with not being able to dictate the answer."
Well said, well said.

Re (from FigNewtonian, Post #11):
Quote:
"So, let me go ahead and throw out something I've been struggling with. The idea that I can have intimate emotional and physical relationships with multiple people, and yet would not be comfortable with those people having intimate emotional and physical relationships with other people, is something that's real and deep rooted. I'm just not."
That's actually okay, as long as all three of you are good with it and it works for (all of) you.

Re (from FigNewtonian, Post #11):
Quote:
"I understand the imbalance and I loathe imbalance, but I feel like I'm in this situation because of a set of specific circumstances and coincidence buttressed by my sense of ethics and responsibility to my previous partner and my current girlfriend. The idea of monogamy is in direct conflict with my desire to love, cherish and respect the two people I want to."
If it's any comfort, you're not alone in having "stumbled into polyamory." Many people have, including yours truly here. Probably has something to do with the media's/society's innundation with monogamous visuals and ideals, but perhaps the point of the matter is you do what's best for you and your loved ones, not basing the decision on "expectations" from the poly community or the "outside world." It doesn't even matter if you call yourself polyamorous (or monogamous, or sort-of-monogamous, or whatever). It just matters that the three of you are happy.
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