Burned badly by a couple, devastated, desperately need support
I appreciate anyone taking the time to read this. I apologize for the length, just want to include all the details. 6 months after getting out of a 4 year mono relationship, I met a couple online that showed interest in pursuing a relationship with me. I dont know if it is relevant to the users here, but I am a 25 year old gay man.
I had never considered polyamory before, but I decided to give it a chance and live in the moment, try something new. The couple had been together for 5 years, and expressed to me that they were unfulfilled sexually and emotionally, and that is why they sought me out. According to them i am the first one they have included in their relationship, but they both said if it didnt work with me they would seek out another, i feel they r using people to prolong their failing relationship. Obviously not the best foundation for polyamory.
But for three months, it was bliss. Heaven. I never knew I could experience something so intense so quickly. I'll call them bob and jay. They showered me with affection and made me feel like the only man in the world. Bob sought me out initially, unhappy with jay. I fell deeply in love with jay, and him with me. Neither of us ever expected such a connection. I think this may be a flaw in this relationship style, as the third wheel how am expected to feel the same way about both of them and be equally attracted all the time? Needless to say, Bob noticed this imbalance as much as i tried to compensate for it, that me and jay had developed a connection that was beginning to rival his own with his boyfriend. One night he exploded at me bc I wouldn't get into bed with him, and literally kicked me out of his apartment at 3am, and has never talked to me again since. It was literally as if a toddler was having a temper tantrum, mind u bob is 38 and jay is 28. Bob banned jay from seeing me, and is already online looking for my replacement. Bob never even gave me an explanation, just used me until he was done then cut me off.
Oh and here's a kicker. He was HIV positive, and never told me until it was too late. We always used protection, but I am anxiously awaiting the day that I can get a definitive test. Bob had lied to jay and told him that I was aware of they're HIV status. The time I spent with them could effect me for the rest of my life, could be the death of me, making it so much harder to let go. My instinct told me to run when I found out about this lie, but the NRE and their promises to love me and support me forever caused an enormous error in judgement on my part. I will always regret it, although by the time i found out i believed it was too late. Anyway, my problem is, I am still in love with jay. I didnt believe in love at first sight until I met him. He told me he would be willing to be my friend in time, but bob makes him feel guilty for even speaking to me. I was cut off without so much as an explanation.
It's so frustrating bc I saw how bob treated jay during those three months, like crap, telling him he was never even attracted to him and that he feels him to be just a friend. If a boyfriend told me he never felt an attraction to me ever, it would be over for me. Yet jay is choosing to stay with him because of their long history. I basically begged jay to give life with me a chance, to no avail. I dont know what I'm looking for by typing this, maybe just some kind of support bc I have been all alone in this. I'm devastated. I truly love jay, and feel so used by bob, he discarded me like a rag doll without so much as an explanation.
Jay told me he saw a life with me, and I saw it too. I put my heart on the line and it was crushed, i just can't understand if what he said he felt for me is true, and if his boyfriend has said he is sharing a bed with his best friend, why won't jay take a chance with me? I realized that trying to maintain a friendship with him was causing him lots of distress bc bob is making him feel like he is doing something wrong by even speaking to me, so I told him i am stepping away and giving him space, to which he said contact him when I am ready to be friends. Even if he cant be my boyfriend I want him in my life in some capacity regardless of how much it hurts, that's how much i care for him as a person, but if bob gets his way I will disappear and they can move on to their next victim. I am sorry if this post is too long and I hope it makes sense. The heartbreak is crippling, I risked so much and was tossed aside for reasons I can't comprehend. I can't eat or sleep, or barely even move. I spent almost every day with them for 3 months, it was so intense and I saw how bob treated jay, taking him for granted completely. I know what I have with him could be so amazing.
Am I being selfish? Should I just let jay go and not even bother with a friendship? I've never clicked with someone so well on every level, emotional physical and ideologically, and he has said the same thing to me, that I am everything he has ever wanted in a person. It's almost as if he prefers suffering that is familiar rather than the unknown, which kills me bc I risked and gave up so much to be with him. Is this an inevitable end in dating a couple? Is it really possible as a third wheel to be equally attracted to both members of a couple and maintain it over time? I feel so naive. I don't want to loose jay, even if it's just a friendship, but bob has told me to get out of his life and leave his boyfriend alone, who he is now clinging to after learning my true feelings for him. Hes clinging to jay even though in the brief time i knew them i talked him out of dumping jay to be with me at least 4 times. Anyway, I sincerely thank anyone that takes the time to read this and give me any kind of advice. The pain is almost too much for me to bear. Thanks everyone. I tried to include all relevant details, I hope I didn't go overboard. Any words would help me right now.
Last edited by polyburned; 05-05-2012 at 06:32 AM.