Originally Posted by Vinccenzo
Seeing as I saw nothing mentioned about her being coerced or distraught over it, not even a mention that it was something she did only out of "desperation", I'm confused as to why the soon to be ex is feeling so responsible or that her being intimate with someone was indeed a completely bad thing. Even if she is regretful after the fact, her soon to be ex didn't MAKE her choose to sleep with the fella. If she feels that way, that would indicate a pretty strong lack of accountability on her part unless she was coerced.
Sorry, I should clarify. I was trying to be economical with words (not my strong suit) and left out some detail.
His feelings / sense of responsibility about the situation here are not identical to hers. Now, it's sort of sketchy of me to describe for them what they're feeling/thinking, but this is my understanding of it.
Her take on it: She was nostalgic, pleasantly inebriated, sort of lonely, and curious. She does not regret it. It wasn't unpleasant and it confirmed for her internally that she's just not that into sex - as opposed to the possibility that she in fact does want it, just not with hubs. Shaking off the dude she did the deed with's demand for a repeat has been a bit of a chore and dealing with the aftermath of hub's reaction hasn't been peaches and cream, but I don't think that it would be on her radar to suggest that anyone made her do anything she didn't want to do.
If anything, it's given her the vocabulary to express to hubs where she is and what her needs are. This is all a plus.
His take on it: She placed herself at risk with someone who's motives / methods he doesn't trust because he deprived her of the sort of affection and tokens of love that she does crave (and he still feels.) Therefore, he feels like he forced this situation to happen and that the responsibility is his. Also, he's extremely non-plussed that he broke up their otherwise strong and mutually highly valued marriage to protect her from the demands of sexual pressure...only to have her chose to go off with someone she hasn't seen in years and have a casual thing and share something that he considers sacred between them (my words, not his) with this other guy. He says, "I didn't seek sex and intimacy from someone else because I wanted it from someone else — I sought it from someone else because it was the only option." And then beats himself up because he believes that he himself was the catalyst that set that evening in motion.
Now, at the same time, he freely says that he's supportive of her having an experience that clarified for her information about herself that she couldn't have attained otherwise.
My take on it is pretty irrelevant. But I do feel like I have to listen to what he says his feelings are and treat those with respect.