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Old 05-04-2012, 09:43 AM
mobetterblues mobetterblues is offline
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: London, UK
Posts: 18
Default GF of 4 years makes an announcement

Hi,
I'm a 39 year old straight guy, living with my gf of 4 years. She's bi (which she told me about early on in the relationship) which has never really been an issue. She says it's a 60-40 thing, and that she wouldn't ever see herself in a long term relationship with a woman. We talked about adding an occasional 3rd person to our sex life a while back (most likely a woman) , however never did anything about this - a combination of stress, financial issues (my business is very recession-sensitive so the last 4 years have been a struggle!) and the day to day grind, not to mention neither of us really pushed for it. I'm also guilty of taking my gf for granted, and again, I have things I could use as excuses (work stress etc) but there is really no excuse for this, and I know this. She knows I love her, but I haven't shown it in some of the ways that are most important to her. I feel terrible for this, especially as it was no doubt a contributory factor is the recent crisis, which I'll go on to explain.
My gf has always been brutally honest, and like an open book. However this all changed a couple of months ago, when I suddenly became suspicious, her behaviour changed, became furtive, secretive. I knew something was amiss and so checked her phone, and yes, you've guessed it, I found evidence that she's been with another guy.
All hell broke loose, and all the emotions that come from a situation like this came out. She went away to stay with her family for a month, during which time we were communicating constantly, but not on great terms. I was going through hell, not eating at all, it felt like my life had fallen apart.
It turns out that she had conversations with this guy about her feelings and ideology about relationships, that she would prefer an open relationship (I was of course hurt that she'd never discussed it with me!) They shared the ideology, one thing led to another, all behind my back.
Since I found out, she told me she was going to tell me everything. Since then, we have been trying to repair our relationship, which has been difficult due to the breakdown of trust. She has exchanged emails with this guy, but nothing more since. We have spoken at length about us, what we want etc. she has floated the idea of an open relationship, which is something I just cannot agree to - it's just not me, and this is not borne out of any traditional mindset, social conditioning, or any other external factors - it's just me, who I am. Now all the pain and emotions have died down, we are focusing on the future. The question is, can she continue with me, if she is going to be surpressing this side of her? I've suggested that maybe we are too different in this, important aspect, and should cut our losses now and let each other move on - despite the fact that we love each other. She has been really confused about what she wants, and I have tried to leave things as they are, continue with the reparation of our relationship. However it feels, to me anyway, that this issue is a fundamental part of the reparation - it brought infidelity into our relationship, so has the potential to create further damage in the future, especially if it's surpressed. I'm confused to be honest. I don't want to be with a person who feels surpressed with just me, but I love this woman and we both always envisaged spending the rest of our lives together, she still says this. Her latest position is that she wants to just 'forget the open relationship issue' and concentrate on repairing what has been damaged. However, I just can't seem to separate the 2 issues, as I think they are intertwined.
Does anyone have similar experiences? Any advice? Thoughts?
I'd appreciate any comments.
Thanks

Last edited by mobetterblues; 05-04-2012 at 09:46 AM.
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