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Old 05-03-2012, 11:36 PM
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lovefromgirl lovefromgirl is offline
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Originally Posted by SaBo View Post
THEN, I got home one day to find my new lover in tears, and he confessed to me that he was madly jealous, and actually monogamous (although he never used that word). Basically, although I had tried to talk with him about it a lot, he had always evaded, saying stuff like "of course defining things is stupid, I dont know why people do that, everything just is what it is, fuck labels, of course I'm fine" I HAD sensed the defensiveness, but I didnt want to push it. I had been honest with him. And I had hoped that he would eventually come to trust me enough to talk more openly with me.
I'd feel like that was a major breach of trust, if at first someone told me zie was good with non-monogamy and then later on exploded all over me with "BUT I WANT YOU TO BE MINE ALOOOONE". One of those statements becomes a lie, and the lie is so tied up in what the relationship is that I doubt I could forgive it enough to stay with that person.

And when he finally did, he ended up telling me in tears that his heart belongs to me, that hes a "loyal dog" in love, that the only lips he wants to kiss are mine, that thats his way of loving, and he wants to respect my way of living and being, but its really fucking hard for him. Which triggered all my accumulated guilt and self-hate. And yet, I could see that these were his feelings, and I had to respect them for what they were.
But he couldn't respect your feelings enough to be honest with you? No, you do not owe him a damn thing. They're his feelings. He has to own them and the consequences for having them. You do not, oh my heart, have to put up with his terrible decision-making because he might get hurt. He has to grow up and not lie to you.

So I'm away for a few days, and I come back, and she tells me she has to talk to me. Tells me that her and my new lover had cuddled the day before while watching movies, and that she does kinda have feelings for him in some way but doesnt really want to act on it and whatever, but if thats okay with me that this happened, because she doesnt want any weird jealousy crap, and that shes going to talk to him about it but hasnt yet . . .
Because they keep flirting, today I came out of the house to find her head on his shoulder, and damnit, I wouldnt MIND if I had the feeling that there was honest communication.
This is worth working through, though. This isn't people lying to you in a major way, this is people being unsure, and even if nothing comes of it romantically, you three need to figure out what happened and how to keep cool in the future. Historically, having been confused about people's physical boundaries, I've misconstrued signs that weren't as signs that were, if that makes sense; I'm sure I've done the opposite as well, but today is a bad brain day (stupid uterus) + so I can't remember exact circumstances. All I know is that I lost some good people because nobody was up to talking about it. Don't lose good people if you can help it.

"I swear, if we live through this somebody's going to find their automatic shower preferences reprogrammed for ice water."

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