Not sure how I'm supposed to proceed with this
Hi all, I'm new to the actual act of this, but not the ideas. I've been married 10 years, have a challenging daughter (autism, ODD), DH (do you guys use that term?) is a SAHD and I bring home "the bacon". We have quite a few friends that are poly, and DH has always told me he was poly. I told him when we got together I wasn't, but didn't know how I'd feel years down the road.
4-5 years ago we had a threesome with another girl, who was into me, and I tried it out for the sake of DH, but touching a flabby boob creeped me out. I'm just not into girls. I didn't want to do that again.
DH has been bugging me to allow him to be with a woman friend of his for too long. My hesitation has mostly been the fact that she wanted to be with both of us and I didn't want to be with her sexually. I totally trust this woman and have had lots of honest discussions with her about this and DH. DH is very needy sexually (I think his testosterone level is too high, he's finally realizing not everybody has sex everyday).
He finally admitted that part of it is a fetish for watching me with another man. So we've discussed this a lot. He's been on the lookout for somebody for me to "have fun" with. And apparently if I want to do it with another guy without him there, that's supposedly fine as long as I give him all the details (like even texting him while it's happening, or call him and leave the phone on so he can hear). I'm totally fine with fetishes, although he won't indulge me in mine (bondage without any/much pain, just the bondage).
A month or so ago he started talking to a couple of friends about his fetish and found out that two of his friends feel the same way. One of them was really into me and said he'd join us. He told me, gave me time to think about it, and we decided to do it. We had a threesome, but neither of the guys did anything with each other. We've done this twice since. All three experiences have been very comfortable and enjoyable.
So here is my quandry, I'm just not sure how to treat this other guy. I'm not a super mushy person, and while I get along well with the guy, it's not like I'm going to spend tons of time with him all of a sudden. I've read on quite a few posts that this is about love, not sex. For me it was about sex. I'm one of those people that think love is mostly based on chemicals from one's brain, and then it's based on bonding, respect, admiration, friendship, etc. I'm too vulcan, not very mushy.
This guy really is DH's friend, and when he's over they talk 90% of the time. They know each other from some dance scene in the city, which I'm not into (I like rock, not thump thump thump thump). The guy is getting to know me better, and has made comments about how he likes that I can geek out with him (taught him to play Magic the Gathering when DH was gone). He's confided with me about some super personal stuff. I think that's awesome. When he came over last time he even brought me a gift. The guy hasn't had a GF in over a year and DH and I have been together for so long, I can see how the dynamic in the bedroom is so different between the two.
I've texted the guy a few times, but I'm never sure what to say. I was contemplating taking some super super close up shots of me in lingerie as a tease for the guy and texting the pics. But DH is a horrible photographer, and what I have in mind are not what I know he'll take. I don't know how to schedule time with him, how often I should ask him to come over, or if I should go to his house. The kiddo already knows this guy, so it's not weird to have him over for the day. We have a lot of friends who live 1+ hr away, so it's not unusual to have them stay the night (he's slept on the couch).
As for DH and the girl he wants, the same week this happened, and I was about to tell him that it was okay for him to be with her now that I understood better, she moved out of state. She'll be back, is nomadic, but it'll be a while. I know there are a couple other people he's interested in, but it was this one person I was comfortable with. He still wants to be with both of us, but I'd be just fine (I think) letting them do their thing while I read a book.
Also, we've been under a HUGE amount of stress. It's been worst 6 months in my life, both physically and emotionally. I actually got a prescrip for Xanax because of it. I'm wondering if my actions are in response to the stress, or if it's actually growth. Things are getting much better and the stress isn't marriage related.