View Single Post
Old 05-03-2012, 09:27 PM
RainyGrlJenny's Avatar
RainyGrlJenny RainyGrlJenny is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Seattle
Posts: 243

Well, I'll speak as someone in what I consider to be a primary relationship (with a long-term boyfriend).

I think becoming poly/open (me poly, him open) has allowed us to really enjoy our sexual life with each other. We have sex because we love each other and want to enjoy both the emotional connection and the physical fun with each other, not because we're each other's only option.

For me, there was some comparison issues. I definitely came from a background of monogamy (very few splits or divorces in my family), and kept thinking that I was opening up the option that he would find someone younger, prettier, skinnier, with bigger boobs, sexier than me. I finally just had to let it all go. By being nonmonogamous, it really does prove that he's with me because he wants to be. Every day we're together, every single time we have sex, we're choosing to be there.

My BF is bi, and his female partners were more intimidating than male. I guess my thought process was kind of along the lines of "Well, guys have equipment that I can't compete with, so why try?" Now that we've grown in trust, though, who he's with doesn't really bother me.

Fly had problems with my emotional attachments to people, and I think was a little bit threatened, or at least confused. Once he could see that it didn't interfere with our relationship, though, it was easier.

Both of us have more sexual energy in general when we are sexual with other partners. He doesn't really do the whole NRE thing, but I do. My NRE tends to spill everywhere, though. I love the new lover, the BF, my job, my family, my city, freaking apples delight me...

Our biggest frustration regarding sexual energy/time is logistics with other partners. Neither of us really wants the other to be having sex in our house while we're home, but figuring out how to get the house to ourselves is challenging. Time is hard, also, with a kiddo who has activities, and our own work and social lives. I think that's why I've sought out OSO's who have their own primary relationships, because I don't feel like I could really give enough to more people in a way that I consider primary right now. Maybe in the future, when kiddo is more independent.

Early on, I would get jealous, not because Fly was having sex with other women, but because he was spending time dating them, especially when he would do things he didn't like to do with me, like going to a movie. I resented the time and energy spent on these women, and would also get upset if I was horny and he was out with someone else, or not up to sex because he'd already had it with someone else. I really had to recognize that our relationship stands alone, and that I have to ask for what I need, not whine that other people are getting what I want. Establishing regular date nights has been a huge help with making me feel like I'm still special to him.

I would be cautious about poly for people with very different sexual needs or personalities, because I feel like it leads you down a path of "Well, you don't meet my needs so I'm going to find someone who does." I'm sure it works for people, but I would imagine it would take a lot of generosity and compassion from both sides to be successful.

Our major boundaries revolve around safer sex and, again, logistics. I'm much more paranoid about STDs than the BF is, so most of those boundaries are mine. He has mostly been very gracious and understanding with my fears. We've done some compromising, in that he had one long-term partner that he did not want to use barriers with. We negotiated that, with a lot of difficulty and some irreparable changes to our relationship. It was a very hard time, but ultimately helped us communicate better, and be more upfront about what we need from each other.

Pregnancy has been something to worry about as well. A couple years ago, Fly and I decided we were open to becoming pregnant. It took me over a year to be ready for another male partner, because it was really important to me (and I think to Fly) that the baby is his, and it freaked me out to not be on birth control any more. Also, we have not gotten pregnant, and I believe I would be truly devastated if one of Fly's other partners did when I seem to not be able to. This is something we've talked about quite a bit, and really needs to be addressed before it becomes an issue in a relationship.

Overall, I'm quite satisfied with our sex life I could use a little more sex, but as I'm fairly insatiable, more than any of my partners have ever been, I've learned to develop a very loving relationship with myself (and Babeland!). I think choosing poly/nonmonogamy has been integral to FLy and I having a good relationship, and that if we had tried monogamy we would probably not still be together.

I don't know if this is what you're looking for, and is probably a lot of disjointed rambling. Sorry if I missed the mark!
Reply With Quote