The conversation L and I had yesterday afternoon keeps distracting me. Specifically, he talked about the way some women enjoy aggressive sex. I've told my husband before about a couple of my favorite moments in my sex life before meeting him. There's something I love about bringing a man to the point where his desire overpowers any thought of being "nice", and I completely give myself up to it, the hard masculine overtaking the soft feminine. The closest we get is him thinking I like it rough, and trying to please me that way, but it's just not the same. He says a man being forceful is a kind of rape-like fantasy I have, and it's absolutely not that. It's pretty much the opposite, with rape being a man taking what a woman doesn't want to give, but aggressive sex being a woman giving herself totally, and willingly. I think maybe just like some humor isn't funny to some people, there are some sexual dynamics that aren't possible for some people. So when L talked about aggressive sex, I was on fire for him. He laughed when he saw the look in my eyes. But we don't touch each other sexually, because by my husband's rules if we have that kind of relationship, he won't be able to be my husband's friend any more, and come stay with us, and I love his role in our whole family.
My husband and I also talked a little bit last night about my fantasy for being with two men, and I asked if he'd ever consider indulging me in a tamer version of that, with just a fully clothed massage, but he won't. He asked me to try not to mold him into something he's not. I'm not sure really how to handle this disparity. I am a very sexual person with a lot of curiosity about some of the more adventurous aspects of sex, and he is almost puritanical. It totally killed my libido last night, because I think he really doesn't like my sexual personality, so to speak. I don't think I will honestly be able to spend the rest of my life having only proper decent friendly marital lovemaking.
It has helped a lot that he has been allowing me time with C. C practically worships my body (and the rest of me) so that feels wonderful, and he does all manner of delicious things to me that don't cross the boundaries my husband set. This is probably my first life experience with a "breast man" (never knew there were breast men into small breasts before!) and I'm loving it. I am thrilled to be able to experience a new dynamic, and it has been indescribably delightful going back and forth between them.
I guess what I'm feeling today is that I have this sexual side of myself that is getting impatient. My husband hopes to satisfy me by just thrusting harder, but it's not about that. I want two men, I'm curious about women, I'm intrigued by domination, and I want to explore whatever else happens to light me up. My husband thought I had gotten this out of my system before we married, because I'd been with quite a few men, so I don't feel like I am being fair to him. But I just can't imagine living out the rest of my life without experiencing some of these things.
So here's L, currently single and craving sex. He loves me, I love him, with years and years of respect and trust between us. He's 26 years older than me and in no way a threat to my marriage, having already raised two sets of kids from two marriages of his own. He can do some of these things I hunger for. (Just his dirty talk alone... no one can match that.) But we can't. This is maddening.
I recognize that my husband has already compromised a lot, around my relationship with C. (And even L, knowing that we feel the way we do about each other and still spend time together.) It feels pretty selfish of me to want more than this, when my life is so amazing and happy. I'm just not sure what to do with these desires, when satisfaction just hangs right there in reach in front of me.
Married to a monogamous man 15 yrs, mother of 2, dating C 3 yrs, and in a romantic friendship with L more than 20 yrs