I think maybe the thing that actually hurts me is 1. that I feel like she doesnt care if something hurts me, which feels horrible because shes important to me. so this really triggers a lot of my paranoia around trusting people, and 2. I dont feel secure with him, because his words make me really vulnerable and pressure me to completely "let go" towards him, but he's so helpless when it comes to my vulnerabilities, doing things that hurt me and then crying and telling me how much he loves me and how helpless he feels, and he has such a different view of the world and way to communicate, that I know that if my defense mechanisms kick in and I cant dig myself out of them he probably wont be able to get me back. so this situation is really dangerous in many ways.
Also: even or perhaps especially in the most open and boundary-less relationships Ive had, we always were really careful about situations like that, always checking before being physically close to someone else infront of another lover. I feel like the fact that he always says, this is nothing, the only thing that means something is you, makes it impossible for me to say, hey, you, I want communication about the way you act, and it makes me feel strange towards her because it feels unfair and weird towards her for it to be this way, and it makes me feel hurt towards her because Id never do that to her without checking because I wouldnt want to hurt her......
And then I finally snapped towards my longterm lover after mail after mail and sms after sms of hurt and reproach, and told him I dont feel like MY needs are a big topic in our encounter either, and now I'm just completely paranoid, know nothing anymore, cant trust anyone least of all myself and am at a total loss at what to do.
Also, in all other areas of my life, everything is one big chaos as well, and I cant sleep anymore.
but the most distressing part is, that a lot of my paranoia is starting to act up because of this. I feel like none of the people involved with me are capable of handling my vulnerability, so the choice I will most likely have to make is distancing myself a bit more, again... and I hate to have to do that. If I do that, then I stop hoping for anyone to be able to support me, and I can be loving towards them and enjoy my time with them, but I cant be as close to them, by far. And I'd be fine with that, I mean I'm used to that, but my current lovers keep pushing me to open up, to trust them, to let go, and that just tears me apart because I know they're sincere in that wish, but I really do believe they can't handle my darker sides. So the distance is most likely very truly nessecary....
but I don't want to have to do it.... because I want to be close to them. So very much.