Well, I''m guessing you will need a little back story on me to truly understand anything I post here. =)
Without posting anything that will "trigger" someone, my childhood was immersed with molestestion by each of my mother's husbands. From about age 4 until I moved out at 18. While it took a lot of therapy to move on with my life and become the extra special person that I am today, I believe I've got a healthy mind set. It's also why it took so long to actually hear what my husband wanted.
My husband has tried off and on to tell me that he feels the need for more. He finally was able to say it in a way that I listened with my heart and not my mind and we opened our marriage in February of this year.
He's known since we first got serious that I can't stand a "cheater", that lying behind my back has no dignity or love in it at all and it will cause me to just walk away and never look back. It touched me greatly that the most important thing to him was that I understood that he is completely happy with me and our life together, so much so that he would continue to go without and deny the side of him that he is lacking.
I'm not saying there hasn't been moments of jealosy on my part ... but we've talked them through. I'm mostly in a good place around all of this.
I do have some friends who live a poly life style. One in particular (D) that has been a dear friend to me for years now. Even knowing that I wouldn't/couldn't sleep with him, D's been a friend to me when others have proven false. So, when this all came down with my husband, D was the first I confided in, making it clear that all I wanted was a friend at this point.
D and I have started hanging out more, always at his house with his two daughters. While D and his wife have been poly before, they recently decided to close the marriage and focus on each other. I respect that and have all intentions of honoring this decision they have made. D has other ideas and while he assured me that he would put a stop to it long before we crossed any lines he's not allowed to cross. He and I exchanged a naked massage and during the course of it, he attempted to cross the line. When I asked him if he had permission, he reluctantly admitted that he didn't.
Since then, I've pulled back and haven't gone over to his house. He's refusing to hang out with me on the weekends. He always has plans. Mind you, his wife works nights during the week and weekends he's not as free as he is when she's at work.
I hate to think that years of friendship are going down the toilet because I believe that his marriage is more important than sex. However, I'm feeling this is the case and it breaks my heart.
Since hubby and I have opened our marriage, I have found a few potential playmates, however every last one of them is cheating on their wife. They aren't ashamed to admit it and while I'm doing my best to *not* judge them, I have to know why they are willing to risk everything on a stranger. I get the need for having others in our lives that we can care about, be open with and trust with our most intimate wants and desires.
So, am I the only person that is turned off by the potential drama of the spouse finding out? Am I the only one that thinks if he's willing to cheat on his wife, how in the world can I trust anything he says to me, a stranger? Am I really that much of an idealist that I believe honor and loyalty applies to your whole life and wants no part of a false person?
Or am I just demanding way too much of folks?
While I ask these questions, please understand that I can't change this about myself and while I am looking for a kindred soul or two, validation can't change this aspect of me. Anyone who knows me, knows I have a "rule" book on my behavior and being accused of being hypocritical isn't one of them. Granted, I'm much harder on myself than I am on others ... I'm told it's still a pain to deal with. =)
Maybe it's just the area I live in, with their morals and preconcieved ideas of what love should be.
And I've seen it both sides. Hubby and I talk and while he's been with two "friends"; both have dumped him after sex. The first was a woman he befriended when she was going through her divorce well before our marriage opened up. I've met her and tried to be her friend, but it was clear from the beginning that while she would be happy to spend time with me and him; she really wanted to spend time with him. That was ok, as I didn't see her as "my" friend, but someone my husband cared for. She slept with him and then acted like she disappeared off the face of the earth. She still texts him from time to time and mostly I'm just glad she's not hanging around all the time. She's a bit of a user. (This was the one I actually got jealous over). The other one he's been with actually was cheating on her boyfriend, initiated the sex and then tried to treat him like some kind of pervert afterwards.
So, maybe being around some "sane" people will help me find a home in this world. I realize that I may be asking a lot, but it's still a dream.
Thanks for reading this!
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