Originally Posted by PassionFlower
You're right, he is feeling insecure and believes that if I want to be with someone else it means I don't really love him or want him, and that he will be left out. He has a very big issue with feeling excluded.
.... understand that me loving and having sex with someone else doesn't mean I don't love him or that I won't spend time with him. I have tried to explain to him, but he doesn't believe me or understand. Please understand that this is not because I cheated on him--I had been talking with him for 2 years about polyamory before that one night stand happened.
Wellllll, I think you fucked up. Cheating was the worst possible choice you could of made if you had a hope in hell of creating the life you need with your husband. I had a big "bingo" moment when I read the above. His feelings of being secure, included and loved are where I think you whould of spent your time rather than going out and fucking other guys. If I were you I would stop the cheating now, never tell him about it, vow to never do that again (and don't) and get about showing how much he is loved, included, and secure in your life. Be over the top about it. Lavish the man with anything you can think of.
At the same time let him know that you will beging dating other men now and that this will be your new realtiy. If he is unable to accept it then he is welcome to leave. With all the lavishing and getting about doing what you need to do, in time it might just work that he "gets it."
I spent three years going at the pace of my monogamous boyfriend. You can read about it all over this forum from the time I started here until this past Christmas (09-11). I know something of where you are coming from. He is now at a point where he teases me about dating and me having sex with other men. I NEVER thought he would get there. He has because I lavished him every moment I could with genuine committed love. I told him every moment that I was hurting, but loved him actively with all my might. Ya, it sucked. Ya, I was sad, resentful, frustrated at times, but I did it and it worked. The thing is that I LOVE him in capital letters. He is worth it. Is your husband?