Originally Posted by smokymtngirl85
It sounds to me that he's the one feeling insecure and threatened. Its a hard transition to go through and it means changing your whole mindset to realize that just because your partner wants to be with another person it or does not mean you are any less important or loved or wanted or needed. But at the same time if he came from the same deeply religious upbringing, he may never come to terms with it.
You're right, he is feeling insecure and believes that if I want to be with someone else it means I don't really love him or want him, and that he will be left out. He has a very big issue with feeling excluded. I am hoping that the counselling we will be going to to try to find a way forward, or if that doesn't work to help us end the marriage the best way possible, will help him to understand that me loving and having sex with someone else doesn't mean I don't love him or that I won't spend time with him. I have tried to explain to him, but he doesn't believe me or understand. Please understand that this is not because I cheated on him--I had been talking with him for 2 years about polyamory before that one night stand happened.
On a religious level, he may never be able to accept me having multiple partners. He says he is fine with me loving someone, as long as I don't have sex with them, but he's only started saying that since I said I am leaving--not even two weeks ago he was talking about how I can avoid having emotional affairs. His family is not deeply religious, but somehow he has become more deeply religious since I met him. I personally think it's tied into his control issues--religion allows a very nice illusion of control, with lots of rules to follow and prescribe for others.
I would love to have the love and knowledge of each other that we have, stability, security, connection, and live as a family with our children together, and also have other lovers. That's my ideal. I'm going to the counselling to see one last time if there is a way to have it. I'm scared of what might happen after I leave, in terms of whether I will regret it or not, whether I will find love or not, but I am feeling that unless there is some way to integrate what I want into the marriage, I need to leave.