From the Mrs LuvNWonder
I (Luv) had more than a little trepidation about that event. I am generally an extrovert although I do have a streak of constraint when getting very intimate. Crossing that barrier quite frankly is emotionally challenging. Having experienced a great deal of friendships that were less than trusting, I have a considerable amount of anxiety attached and find it difficult to be open in intimate communications, as Wonder can attest too.
Initially, I had wanted this to be a 3some, but logistics did not work out that way. Wonder does want me to be comfortable and he also is well aware that especially since we have been separated by distance, my need for human contact as well as adult companionship has been very obvious. We have learned to trust our friend due to some previous visits with him including a 3some we had had a couple of weeks earlier.
Wonder suggested in his post that we had gone to lunch several times. That's a bit of a stretch. To date I have had 3 lunches w our friend. I had no intension of moving this to a primarily 1:1 relationship and would not continue it if it were suggested it become that. I want no secrets and want to be able to fully share relationships with Wonder, even if the sexual preferences aren't completely compatible (referring to the fact although our friend is pretty liberal in his willingness to experience some more bisexual activities, he is not bisexual and does have his limitations).
As Wonder mentioned this was the first time I had ever been left completely alone with another person outside of my 22 year marriage to Wonder. Even in our swinging experiences, I never did anything alone. I have some safety/security issues, which is one of the reasons friendships w those we have "relations" make more sense to me. Our friend has proven to be not only respectful of our (Wonder and I) relationship, but also has proven to be very trusting, caring and responsible. That is why I was more comfortable with this moving into a more intimate relationship. In the 2 plus years we have opened our marriage to alternate lifestyle choices, this is the first time I felt comfortable enough with myself, and with my relationship with Wonder as well as the third party to know I was safe.
Wonder made the experience even more acceptable by making those preparations he mentioned. We talked about his and my expectations before it took place. Wonder did indicate to me that he had some anxiety about it, which considering that he seemed so sure of himself and this experience actually eased my mind. It reminded me that this was something we chose to do together, it wasn't a choice he or I made alone. There is a lot of love and I treasure it.
I am very obviously the more monogamist of the two of us. I don't technically need anyone other than Wonder in my heart. I have learned however, during this transition in our lives, that it has been an enriching and liberating experience when it is carefully and considerately managed and communicated between us.
In no way, does my friendship threaten my relationship with Wonder. It is helping me overcome some communication barriers that I have built. It is also making my relationship more open and expressive which is what I need in my relationships.
I do want Wonder to be who he is. I understand why he wanted me to experience this. I'm not at full-throttle, when it comes to polyamory. I am absolutely sure there are going to be bumps, mountains if you will that we will have to overcome. I don't know that I will ever be able to accept a third party as an equal partner either for Wonder or for myself. I am learning to accept that more intimate relationships can be enriching for me and I know that Wonder wants an even greater and deeper connection in a truly poly relationship. He is being very patient with me as I try to catch up. I can see a full quad relationship being more accepting but of course I do realize that we should be open to new experiences and new relationships in whatever form they come into our lives.
So on the whole for me, this was an enriching experience made even more special by the love and care that Wonder had for me in order to help me and our friend more comfortable. The intensity that has grown out of this transition in our marriage is both challenging and frightening. I am finding some strength in our relationship that I never really felt before. A trust and love that is more deep, secure and more comfortable than ever. It is a little scary because it is so much to accept right now. There is still so much that is uncertain with our living arrangements, life choices, sexual experiences and family.
As a side note LovingRadiance: you are absolutely right….Wonder has absolutely nothing to worry about!