" Meanwhile, I am crazy about her more than ever and have been showing her attention that I haven't in years-but she is a bit resentful about that-that it took Bent coming on the scene to bring that about."
One way to think about this is that any new element in your sex life has the potential to rev things up and help you rediscover each other -- trying new things, kink, toys, attending a sex workshop together, going on a vacation for the purpose of erotic exploration OR a new lover.
I'm sorry things are rough right now and I wish you guys luck! On thr question of how much time to devote to processing, maybe you could set aside an hour or so over coffee each weekend just to talking and reserve non-emergency issues for that time slot if possible? Or there's always couple's counseling, which is basically the same idea but with an experienced and impartial third party mediator.
The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.