Yes it does sound like we have some similarities. I wonder why you two felt the need to have clandestine affairs AFTER being in the swing scene. Maybe it was the idea that even though you were having sex at least it was done together? I do relate to that, although after our first get together, I noticed that Blu was really gravitating to Bent and that I felt kind of like an interference(?) in what was going on between them. I didn't want to be a thrid wheel and thought maybe they should cultivate their own relationship out of the context of us.
It all got cut short and Blu was resentful of my role in facillitating their meeting and not respecting her when she expressed reservations. II was so wrong in those respects and although she found Bent very attractive and charming and certainly enjoyed physically what went on, the fact that he was "taken" and not willing to be honest with his gf was a deal breaker. For my part , she is understandably upset with the fact that there was a bit of pressure on my part. I was just afraid that if we didnt do it then it would have never been discussed seriously and would have remained in the realm of fantasy. I can see that I was wrong about my approach and that my very actions show a lack of respect. I have learned a lot from this-what to do and not do. I am grateful that Blu has decided not to leave me outright but we have lots to work through.
At the very least we are talking through things. We have cut out sex between US. She may at any point decide to have sex with anybody else. I hope taht if she does, that she tells me. That was the one thing that we set out between us, that she does tell if she does. Right now though , I think sex is pretty distant in her mind-she has a lot of other things on her mind right now.
In response to the questions about therapy-she generally doesn't like the culture of therapy-she's kind of stoic and seems to believe that any problem can be worked through by silence and sollitude. Needless to say, I don't share this feeling. But no one can force you into therapy. She generally does not like talking about her private life to strangers and would probably be angry if she knew that this is our life that I am describing in this forum.